Need some insight...I'm at a crossroad.

Hi all, I feel like I don't have any other place to turn. I know what my friends are going to say, but obviously I don't want to take the advice if I'm here...so I'm reaching out.


Long story short...met this girl back in May at a friends bday party. We hit it off, spent the whole night talking together. Got her number that night, we went out a few times the following week, slept together I dunno maybe 3-4 time hanging out.

BUT heres the kicker, turned out she had a BF, she's doing the long D thing. Well the actually broke up not long after I found out, but I can't date someone that I can't trust so we talked about it and we kept it casual. I usually don't do this sort of thing, but the sex is great and I've just gotten over a break up from a long term. I wasn't too keen on getting deep into a relationship either, and I'll be honest shes not exactly the type I could have a long term with. Not that we don't get a long, we actually get along very well, but she lacks ambition, shes 5 years younger, and is stuck in party mode.

Well anyways, that was 3-4 months ago, and we've been seeing each other regularly and I hate to admit but I've gotten attached. Like if I'm getting a movie I automatically think would she want to see this too, it was that realization and something my friend said that made me realize she really has grown on me.

Heres the problem, I have a pretty good spidey sense and it went off just before christmas. It was bothering me, and I know this is wrong morally but I got her facebook pass(don't ask how) and I checked her fb.

Well sure enough an old co-worker of hers sent her a few msgs back in Nov and they been back and forth infrequently. Harmless stuff at first, just how you doing, what you been up to etc. Well he started asking to chill with her just before christmas and their schedules never matched, and then he started sending more msgs and she caged. And you could tell 2 things, 1 he's a gentelmen, nice guy, has a crush.

Well they finally set a time to meet up, and that was at a going away party for a common friend, this was on saturday. She didn't lie to me, she did say she was going to so and so's going away party and that she had a ride. Well I picked her up from the party afterwards, apparently the guy got bored and left early. It was one of those 7am parties.

Anyways, saw a string of messeges from them last night. He messeged her to appologize for leaving etc. And apparently he told her that night that he liked her, that he's really into her and he pretty much begs for a second date. You know, just give me one chance that sorta thing, I really want to see you.

Well she messegs back that she really wants to see him too, she'll messege him when she knows her schedule and that he tell her what his schedule looks like, and she ends the msg with a heart sign and her name.

So obviously boy scout messeges back i'm free here and there blah blah miss you boy scout.


Now, hold on, I want you guys to know I'm not faulting her for anything. She is single, we are casual and I totally get the arrangement. And yes sometimes I do feel I've gone too far, but self preservation instincts kicked in.

Heres the thing, I know she's got feelings for me too, somethings you can't hide. The comfort level is there, we don't just sleep together, we grocery shop, hang out, relax on the couch, grab take out etc.

Anyways, my thing is not that I'm mad. Its that I'm kind of sad that she would be that forward and want to see him some more. She obviously knows how he feels and is clearly aware that I'm here too. I can understand her wanting to see where it could go with this guy, and I have no right to protest.

So, I have a few decisions to make. Do I tell her I know and that will probably end everything. Do I wait it out and monitor and see what happens, then decide accordingly? Or do I just walk away now?

I know the safe bet is the walk away because obviously she has issues when it comes to being with one guy, but thats where the I've grown attached thing comes in.

I really just want peoples opinions on what they think is going on in her head, mind you she is quite young (21), and what they would do if they were in my situation. I'm really stubborn when it comes to taking advice, but I'm always open to hearing opinions in case something doese click with me.

So have at it guys...

So she's single, the two of you just hang out, you haven't told her how you feel about her and your spying on her.

If you are really serious about this girl maybe it's time you tell her and give her a chance.

Either way you spying on her facebook as friend isn't very loyal either.

I have always wondered why guys hook up with a girl that is cheating ...THEN want to get into a relationship with them ....You already KNOW what shes like ....I dont get it ?

Ask her to be exclusive. If she agrees, monitor her fb and see if she follows through (cuts the guy off). If she does, stop spying on her. If she doesnt, cut her loose.

Thanks for the responses guys.

Well I haven't told her that I wanted to be official with her, but how I feel is pretty obvious. We don't just call each other up when we want to sleep together. We actually spend most of our free time together, we'll bbm daily, shes met the folks, I met hers. It makes it confusing because we're not hiding it from anyone exactly, we'll walk around malls eat our holding hands etc, both our friends know about us.

But like I said, she is single so I;m not pissed or consider her cheating. I guess I just want her to choose me without any involvement from me, if that makes any sense. But at the same time I have this huge need for self preservation and its telling me to bail.

I have to admit writing about it and having you guys hear me out, has taken away a lot of the nervous energy, I appreciate it.

Oh and about asking her to be exclusive, I don't think its a good option now knowing what I do know about her. The only way it would be a logical option is if she stopped seeing the guy on her own, at least thats how I see it.

Play the game, wait it out. Look after yourself, body and mind. She will come to you, unless you body has gone to shit now :)

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Originally Posted by Mr Ontario

Play the game, wait it out. Look after yourself, body and mind. She will come to you, unless you body has gone to shit now :)

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LMAO!

You're right, I have to leave out the emotion and play it with discipline.

When single, girls love to have numerous guys on the go...gives them a sense of self worth and 'being wanted.' I think you can't have the best of both worlds , you either have a relaxed, non committed relationship or you tell her how you feel and get serious. If you don't step up then I see no problem with her dating other guys. Like the insightful Beyonce says: " if you liked it then you should have put a ring on it"

Being she's only 21 and kind of playing the field tells me she's not ready to settle down to one guy and you sound like you want one girl. It sucks, but I would cut her loose and move on. Your feelings will get stronger for her and she may very well sleep with another guy and make things much worse for you to deal with. If it were me, I would move on.

I just went through almost the same thing except I'm married! I was on strike, took a job out of province and I was bored one night and using her facebook. (same friends). She went to the bars with friends and the messages led me to believe something had started. She swears even after counselling nothing sexual or emotional occured but I still have my doubts. She's since given up on bars and strange "friends" but the thought is always with me. Being married with two kids, we're working it out, but if we were only dating, I personally wouldn't put up with going through that pain.

good luck.

Some women like to have options. Who's the best catch mentality.
I was in a relationship once that had me wondering things as well. I had to take control of things and find out for myself. Without getting into a long and boring story, I found the "evidence" that I needed. I saw things with my own eyes that made me aware of what was going on. After spending about 5 hours in a blizzard conducting surveillance on her, I got my answers, happy that I caught her but sad that my feelings/emotions had been hurt. Nevertheless, I broke up with her a few days later. The sex was good, she was beautiful, but she was also 23 and I was 30. We had different desires and drives so it had to end.

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Originally Posted by chan_ho_nam

I really just want peoples opinions on what they think is going on in her head, mind you she is quite young (21), and what they would do if they were in my situation. I'm really stubborn when it comes to taking advice, but I'm always open to hearing opinions in case something doese click with me.

So have at it guys...

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So you are not looking for opinions but affirmation about your own opinion.
That is called approval.
Go ahead you are approved you should be bf/gf.
You share similar values as she is a cheater and you are snooping her FB account there fore you both don't have much regards for RESPECT.
But please keep us posted as this relationship will be as entertaining as the Jerry Springer show.