For Women Humor Thread

Let's pretend that we're married



A man and a woman who had never met before, but were both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a Trans-continental train.


Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly.....He in the upper bunk and she in the lower.

At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying, 'Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold.'

'I have a better idea,' she replied . 'Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married.'

'Wow! That's a great idea!' he exclaimed.

'Good,' she replied. 'Get your own ****in blanket.'

After a moment of silence, he farted.

The End

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He said . . .. I don't k now why you wear a bra; you've
got nothing to put in it. She said .. . You wear pants don't you?


He said .. . .Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
She said . . That's a good idea - you stand by the
ironing board while I sit on the sofa.

He said . . .. What have you been doing with all the
grocery money I gave you?
She said . Turn sideways and look in the mirror!

On a wall in a ladies room . .. "My husband follows
me everywhere" Written just below it . " I do not"

Q. How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the
world does it take to do the dishes?
A. Both of them.

Q. How does a man show that he is planning for the future?
A. He buys two cases of beer

Q. What is the difference between men and government bonds?
A. The bonds mature.

Q.. Why are blonde jokes so short?
A. So men can remember them.

Q How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
A. We don't know; it has never happened.

Q. What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
A.. A widow.

Q. Why are married women heavier than single women?
A. Single women come home, see what's in the fridge
and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in
bed and go to the fridge.

Q. What is the one thing that all men at singles bars have in common?
A. They're married.

Man says to God: "God, why did you make woman so
beautiful?" G od says: "So you would love her."
But God," the man says , "why did you make her so
dumb?" God says: "So she would love you."

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My husband and I divorced over religious differences.

He thought he was God, and I didn't.


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For Sale :
Wedding dress, size 8.
Worn once by mistake.


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There are two times when a man doesn't understand a woman:
Before marriage and after marriage.


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The woman applying for a job in a Florida lemon grove
seemed way too qualified for the job.
"Look Miss," said the foreman, "have you any actual
experience in picking lemons?"
"Well, as a matter if fact, yes!" she replied.?
"I've been divorced three times."


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An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can
remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.
The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me
the exact words that were used to put the curse on you."
The old man says without hesitation,
"I now pronounce you man and wife."


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Reason Why It's So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder:
All the DNA is the same.


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I was in the express lane at the store quietly fuming.
Completely ignoring the sign, the woman ahead of me
had slipped into the check-out line pushing a cart piled
high with groceries.
Imagine my delight when the cashier beckoned the woman
to come forward looked into the cart and asked sweetly,
"So which six items would you like to buy?"
Wouldn't it be great if that happened more often?


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Because they had no reservations at a busy restaurant,
my elderly neighbor and his wife were told there would
be a 45-minute wait for a table.
"Young man, we're both 90 years old," the husband said ..
"We may not have 45 minutes."
They were seated immediately.


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The reason congressmen try so hard to get re-elected is that
they would hate to have to make a living under the laws they've passed


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All eyes were on the radiant bride as her father escorted her down the aisle.
They reached the altar and the waiting groom;
the bride kissed her father and placed something in his hand.
The guests in the front pews responded with ripples of laughter.
Even the priest smiled broadly. As her father gave her away in marriage,
the bride gave him back his credit card.


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Women and cats will do as they please, and
men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.


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Three friends from the local congregation were asked,
"When you're in your casket, and friends and congregation
members are mourning over you, what would you like them to say?"
Artie said: "I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband,
a fine spiritual leader, and a great family man."
Eugene commented: "I would like them to say I was a wonderful
teacher and servant of God who made a huge difference in people's lives."


Al said: "I'd like them to say, "Look, he's moving!"


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Smith climbs to the top of Mt. Sinai to get close enough to talk to God.
Looking up, he asks the Lord... "God, what does a million years mean to you?"
The Lord replies, "A minute."
Smith asks, "And what does a million dollars mean to you?"
The Lord replies, "A penny."
Smith asks, "Can I have a penny?"
The Lord replies, "In a minute."


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A man goes to a shrink and says, "Doctor, my wife is
unfaithful to me. Every evening, she goes to Larry's bar
and picks up men. In fact, she sleeps with anybody who asks her!
I'm going crazy.
What do you think I should do?"
"Relax," says the Doctor, "take a deep breath and calm down.
Now, tell me, exactly where is Larry's bar?"



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John was on his deathbed and gasped pitifully.
"Give me one last request, dear," he said.
"Of course, John," his wife said softly.
"Six months after I die," he said, "I want you to marry Bob."
"But I thought you hated Bob," she said.
With his last breath John said, "I do!"


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A man goes to see the Rabbi. "Rabbi, something terrible
is happening and Ihave to talk to you about it."
The Rabbi asked, "What's wrong?"
The man replied, "My wife is poisoning me."
The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, "How can that be?"
The man then pleads, "I'm telling you, I'm certain
she's poisoning me, what should I do?"
The Rabbi then offers, "Tell you what. Let me talk to her,
I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know."
A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says, "Well,
I spoke to your wife. I spoke to her on the phone for three hours.
You want my advice?"
The man said yes and the Rabbi replied, "Take the poison."

9 WORDS WOMEN USE

1. Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

2. Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.


3. Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.


4. Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!

5. Loud Sigh:This is actually a word, but it's a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.)

6. That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake. Sleep lightly hide the kitchen utensils.

7. Thanks:A woman is thanking you, do not question, or Faint. Just say you're welcome.

8. Whatever: Is a women's way of saying "dumb $&#37;&!!!"

9. Don't worry about it, I got it:Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking, "What's wrong?" For the woman's response refer to # 3.

1. If you think you’re fat, you probably are. Don’t ask us.

2. Learn to work the toilet seat: if it’s up, put it down.

3. Don’t cut your hair. Ever…

4. Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if he can find the perfect present.

5. If you ask a question you don’t want an answer to, expect an answer you don’t want to hear.

6. Don’t ask what he’s thinking unless you’re prepared to discuss such topics as navel lint, shotgun formation, and monster trucks.

7. Sunday = sports. It’s like the full moon or the changing of the tides, let it be.

8. Shopping is not a sport.

9. Anything you wear is fine. Really.

10. You have enough clothes.

11. You have too many shoes.

12. Your brother is an idiot, your ex-boyfriend is an idiot, and your father is beyond idiot.

13. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers.

14. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

15. Don’t fake it. We’d rather be ineffective than deceived.

16. Anything we said 6 or 8 months ago is inadmissable in an argument. All comments become null and void after 7 days.

17. Don’t rub the lamp if you don’t want the genie to come out.

18. Women wearing wonderbras or low-cut blouses lose their rights to complain about having their boobs stared at.

19. Consider golf a mini-vacation from you. We need it, just like you.

20. Telling us that the models in the men’s magazine are airbrushed makes you look jealous and petty, and it’s certainly not going to deter us from reading the magazines.

21. If you don’t dress like the Victoria’s Secret girls, don’t expect us to
act like the soap opera guys.

22. Your mom doesn’t have to be our best friend.

23. Don’t give us 50 rules when 25 will do.

24. Ask for what you want. Subtle hints don’t work.

25. Sometimes, he’s not thinking about you. Live with it.

26. Get rid of your cat. And No, it’s not different, it’s just like any other cat.

27. Dogs are better than any cats. Period.

28. No, he doesn’t know what day it is. He never will. Mark anniversaries on a calendar

1. SportsCenter starts at 11:00 PM and runs an hour. This is a great time to pay bills, put laundry in the dryer or talk to your sister.

2. Two hot dogs and a beer at a baseball game do, in fact, constitute going out to dinner.

3. Unlike you, we essentially want to dress just exactly like all our friends. Thus, you need not go much further than the Gap, J. Crew or the local Patagonia store.

4. If we see you in the morning and at night, why call us at work?

5. Butthead is the smart one.

6. Is it too much to ask to have the bra match the underwear?

7. You probably don’t want to know what we’re thinking about.

8. Silence does not need to be filled with discussions about “us” and “the relationship.”

9. Things you can help with: the Sunday crossword, yard work, the dishes, cleaning, and grocery shopping.

10. Things you should let us do alone: figuring out where we are, watching anything on TBS, playing cards, smoking cigars and picking out the beer.

11. Socks never constitute a gift.

12. Department stores and malls were designed so that when you want to look at bed linen, shower curtains or handbags, there are always some speakers, tires or sporting equipment nearby.

13. We don’t know anything about handbags. Don’t even ask.

14. We did water the plants. They died anyway. Nobody knows why this happens.

15. Even if you think he’s cute, Kevin Costner can’t act.

16. Of course, neither can Elle McPherson, but she had the good sense to do “Sirens” rather than “Waterworld.”

17. Curley is the bald one.

18. Compromise does not mean that we abandon our position in favor of yours.

19. Sports Illustrated is a better magazine than Cosmopolitan. Just accept that.

20. Its in neither your interest nor ours to take the Quiz together.

21. Unless you are willing to follow the careers of Mo Vaughn, Cal Ripken, David Robinson, Michael Jordan, Arnold Schwarzenegger and Chris Farley, don’t expect us to know what Helen Gurley Brown, Hilary Clinton, Naomi Wolf or your sister are up to.

22. Sex on a weeknight is generally welcome. Three hours of post-coital conversation are not.

23. Dinner out is a pretty good birthday present. Two tickets to a ball game are even better.

24. No, you can’t have the remote control.

25. If you must take us with you into Victoria’s Secret, never, ever leave
us alone. All the old fat ladies make mean faces at us and only add to our discomfort.

DICTIONARY FOR WOMEN'S PERSONAL ADS

40-ish..............................49
Adventurous.....................Slept with all your friends
Athletic............................No boobs
Average looking.................Ugly
Beautiful...........................Pathological liar
Contagious Smile................Does a lot of pills
Emotionally secure..............On medication
Feminist............................Fat
Free spirit..........................Junkie
Friendship first...................Former slut
Fun..................................Annoying
Gentle..............................Dull
New Age...........................Body hair in the wrong places
Open-minded.....................Desperate
Outgoing...........................Loud and Embarrassing
Passionate........................Sloppy drunk
Poet.................................Depressive
Professional.......................Bitch
Romantic...........................Frigid
Voluptuous........................Very Fat
Large frame.......................Hugely Fat
Wants Soul mate................Stalker
Widow..............................Murderer



WOMEN'S ENGLISH

1. Yes = No
2. No = Yes
3. Maybe = No
4. We need = I want
5. I am sorry = you'll be sorry
6. We need to talk = you're in trouble
7. Sure, go ahead = you better not
8. Do what you want = you will pay for this later
9. I am not upset = of course I am upset, you moron!
10. You're very attentive tonight = is sex all you ever think about?




MEN'S ENGLISH

1. I am hungry = I am hungry
2. I am sleepy = I am sleepy
3. I am tired = I am tired
4. Nice dress = Nice cleavage!
5. I love you = let's have sex now
6. I am bored = Do you want to have sex?
7. May I have this dance? = I'd like to have sex with you
8. Can I call you sometime? = I'd like to have sex with you
9. Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd like to have sex with you
10. Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd like to have sex with you
11. Those shoes don't go with that outfit = I'm gay

And finally.....

A recent scientific study found that women find different male faces attractive depending on where they are in their menstrual cycle.
For example, when a woman is ovulating she will prefer a man with rugged, masculine features.

However when she is menstruating, she prefers a man doused in petrol and set on fire, with scissors stuck in his eye and a cricket stump shoved up his backside.

LMAO good stuff

BIRTH ORDER OF CHILDREN

1st baby: You begin wearing maternity clothes as soon as
your OB/GYN confirms your pregnancy.

2nd baby: You wear your regular clothes for as long as possible.

3rd baby: Your maternity clothes ARE your regular clothes.

__________________________________________________ __


Preparing for the Birth:


1st baby: You practice your breathing religiously.

2nd baby: You don't bother because you remember that last
time, breathing didn't do a thing.

3rd baby: You ask for an epidural in your eighth month.


__________________________________________________ ___


The Layette:


1st baby: You pre-wash newborn's clothes, color-coordinate them,
and fold them neatly in the baby's little bureau.

2nd baby: You check to make sure that the clothes are clean and
discard only the ones with the darkest stains.

3rd baby: Boys can wear pink, can't they?

__________________________________________________ __

Worries:


1st baby: At the first sign of distress--a whimper,
a frown--you pick up the baby

2nd baby: You pick the baby up when her wails threaten
to wake your firstborn.

3rd baby: You teach your three-year-old how to
rewind the mechanical swing.

__________________________________________________ __


Pacifier:


1st baby: If the pacifier falls on the floor, you put it away until
you can go home and wash and boil it.


2nd baby: When the pacifier falls on the floor, you squirt it
off with some juice from the baby's bottle.

3rd baby: You wipe it off on your shirt and pop it back in.


__________________________________________________ ___


Diapering:


1st baby: You change your baby's diapers every hour,
whether they need it or not.

2nd baby: You change their diaper every two to three hours, if needed.

3rd baby: You try to change their diaper before others start to
complain about the smell or you see it sagging to their knees.


__________________________________________________ ____


Activities


1st baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics, Baby Swing,
Baby Zoo, Baby Movies and Baby Story Hour.

2nd baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics.

3rd baby: You take your infant to the supermarket and the dry leaners.

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Going Out:


1st baby: The first time you leave your baby with a sitter,
you call home five times.

2nd baby: Just before you walk out the door, you remember to
leave a number where you can be reached.

3rd baby: You leave instructions for the sitter to call only if she sees
blood.


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At Home:


1st baby: You spend a good bit of every day just gazing at the baby.

2nd baby: You spend a bit of everyday watching to be sure your older hild
isn't squeezing, poking, or hitting the baby.

3rd baby: You spend a little bit of every day hiding from the children

__________________________________________________ ___

Swallowing Coins (a favorite):


1st child: When first child swallows a coin, you rush the child to the
hospital and demand x-rays

2nd child: When second child swallows a coin, you carefully watch for he
coin to pass.

3rd child: When third child swallows a coin you deduct it from his
allowance!


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Pass this on to everyone you know who has children . . . or everyone ho
KNOWS someone who has had children . .

(The older the mother, the funnier this is!)


GRANDCHILDREN: God's reward
for allowing your children


to


live!