quotes!

[the-vanilla-gorilla]

found a cool quotes site lots of neat sayings!

[the-vanilla-gorilla]

1. If practice makes perfect & nobody's perfect, why practice?
2. Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant?? I'm halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my God....I could be eating a slow learner.
3. What would a chair look like, if your knees bent the other way?
4. Why do our noses run and our feet smell?
5. What does "it" mean in the sentence "What time is it?"?
6. If 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors?
7. Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
8. When someone with multiple personalities threathens suicide, can that be considered a hostige situation?
9. What Happens If You Get Scared Half To Death Twice?
10. If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?
11. Why do they call it "common sense" when it's so rare?
12. Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of the drive-up ATM?
13. If you get corn oil by squeezing corn, how do you get baby oil?
14. Why is it that when you transport something by car, it's called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship, it's called cargo?
15. If electricity comes from electrons does it mean morality comes from morons?
16. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?
17. If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
18. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
19. Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?
20. If God didn't want us to eat people, why did he make them out of MEAT?

[the-vanilla-gorilla]

21. Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink and drive?
22. If Wal-Mart is lowering prices every day, how come nothing is free yet?
23. Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes?
24. Psychics never win the lottery. Why is that?
25. How can two space ships meeting always face the right way up in Sci-Fi movies?
26. You know that little indestructible black box that is used on planes, why can't they make the whole plane out of the same substance?
27. If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?
28. How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?
29. Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?
30. Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?
31. Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is prohibited there?
32. If you blame someone for your failures, do you credit them for your achievements?
33. If FedEx and UPS were to merge, would they call it FedUP?
34. If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
35. How come everyone's going so slow if it's called rush hour?
36. Why is the person who invests all your money called a broker??
37. Why do we chop a tree "down" and then chop it "up"?
38. How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites?
39. Why do we wash BATH TOWELS; aren't we clean when we use them?
40. If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it?

[the-vanilla-gorilla]

41. If money doesn't make us happy, then what does it do?
42. Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?
43. If ours is a man made world, why can't we remake it?
44. If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?
45. When people say "I woke up on the wrong side of the bed," What side is the right side?
46. Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?
47. Why do we put suits in a Garment Bag, and put Garments in a Suitcase?
48. Why buy a product that it takes 2000 flushes to get rid of?
49. When Puerto Rico joins the union, where will they put the 51st star?
50. Who were the beta testers for Preparations A through G?

[the-vanilla-gorilla]

1. I intend to live forever, or die trying.
2. It Could Be that the Purpose of Your Life is Only to Serve as a Warning to Others.
3. Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them.
4. For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
5. All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.
6. I'm leaving now to go find myself. If I should return before I get back, please ask me to wait.
7. You know it's going to be a bad day when you jump out of bed and miss the floor.
8. The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they are okay, then it's you.
9. I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
10. Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives.
11. I once thought that I had made a mistake, but I was mistaken.
12. To save money on electricity, we've turned off the light at the end of the tunnel.
13. Do not believe in miracles - rely on them.
14. Hell is paved with good samaritans.
15. If you drive a car I'll tax the street, If you try to sit I'll tax your seat, If you get too cold I'll tax the heat, If you take a walk I'll tax your feet
16. If I traveled to the end of the rainbow As Dame Fortune did intend, Murphy would be there to tell me The pot's at the other end.
17. The universe is a waste of space.
18. "Put your hand down! I'm trying to teach!" -- Mrs. O'Brien, Geometry teacher.
19. To err is human, to forgive is not Company Policy.
20. This was only a test; if this had been a real emergency, you'd be dead.

[the-vanilla-gorilla]

21. It is better to remain childless than to father an orphan.
22. If your happiness depends on what somebody else does, I guess you do have a problem. -- Richard Bach, "Illusions"
23. Abandon the search for Truth; settle for a good fantasy.
24. While money can't buy happiness, it certainly lets you choose your own form of misery.
25. Sometimes the best solution to morale problems is just to fire all the unhappy people.
26. I don�t want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it by not dying.
27. "Nature intended women to be our slaves. They are our property." - Napolean Bonaparte
28. In order to discover who you are, first learn who everybody else is; you're what's left.
29. The best things in the world are free --- and worth every penny of it.
30. What part of "You don't understand anything" don't you understand?
31. I don't want any yes-men around me. I want everyone to tell me the truth--even if it costs him his job.
32. I bought some batteries, but they weren't included.
33. Things equal to nothing else are equal to each other.
34. One of the mysteries of human conduct is why adult men and women are ready to sign documents they do not read, at the behest of salesmen they do not know, binding them to pay for articles they do not want, with money which they do not have.
35. "When I was young I used to think that wealth and power would bring me happiness. I was right." - Gahan Wilson
36. My rules apply only to other people, not myself.
37. Censorship ends in logical completeness when nobody is allowed to read any books except the books nobody can read
38. A married man can do anything he likes if his wife doesn't mind; a widower can't be too careful.
39. Before the beginning there were hot lumps. Cold and lonely, they floated noiselessly thru the black holes of space.
40. Don't believe everything you hear or anything you say.

[the-vanilla-gorilla]

41. The man who can't tell a lie thinks he is the best judge of one
42. Four fifths of all our troubles in this life would disappear if we would just sit down and keep still.
43. 2^64 gold coins would weigh 522.97 trillion Kg, and would take up 2.86 cubic lightyears.
44. Heavier than air flying machines are impossible. -- Lord Kelvin, President, Royal Society, c. 1895

[the-vanilla-gorilla]

funny headlines!



1. Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
2. Joint Committee Investigates Marijuana Use
3. Prostitutes Appeal to Pope
4. Enraged Cow Injures Farmer With Ax
5. Tiger Woods plays with own balls, Nike says
6. Man Struck By Lightning Faces Battery Charge
7. Blind woman gets new kidney from dad she hasn't seen in years
8. Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
9. Two Sisters Reunited After 18 Years at Checkout Counter
10. Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
11. Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
12. Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
13. Kicking Baby Considered to Be Healthy
14. Never Withhold Herpes Infection from Loved One
15. Stolen Painting Found by Tree
16. Actual Headline: Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
17. Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case
18. If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While
19. Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
20. New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group

[the-vanilla-gorilla]

WORDS OF WISDOM!


1. The problem with America is stupidity. I'm not saying there should be a capital punishment for stupidity, but why don't we just take the safety labels off of everything and let the problem solve itself?
2. Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
3. If you cannot convince them, confuse them.
4. Beware of he who would deny you access to information, for in his heart, he dreams himself your master.
5. The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
6. Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute. THAT'S relativity. -- Albert Einstein
7. If you're not on somebody's shit list, you're not doing anything worthwhile.
8. Knowledge speaks, but wisdom listens.
9. When I hear somebody sigh "Life is hard" I'm always tempted to ask "Compared to what?"
10. You never truely understand something until you can explain it to your grandmother. --Albert Einstein
11. Beauty, brains, availability, personality; pick any two.
12. The way some people find fault, you'd think there was some kind of reward.
13. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
14. Accept that some days you are the pigeon and some days the statue.
15. Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
16. Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.
17. People who think they know what they're doing are especially annoying to those of us who do.
18. An expert is one who knows more and more about less and less until he knows absolutely everything about nothing.
19. Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said.
20. The only way to get rid of temptation is to yield to it.

[the-vanilla-gorilla]

21. Once the toothpaste is out of the tube, it's hard to get it back in.
22. Those who drink to drown their sorrows should be told that sorrows know how to swim
23. Unless you can question your own beliefs, you have no place questioning the beliefs of others.
24. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.
25. Love isn't only blind, it's also deaf, dumb, and stupid.
26. In the end, it's not the years in your life that count, it's the life in your years.
27. Amateurs built the ark. Professionals built the Titanic.
28. The reason grandparents and grandchildren get along so well is that they have a common enemy.
29. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.
30. If you love something very much, give it away. If it comes back to you, it's yours forever. If it doesn't, it wasn't yours to begin with.
31. Accept risk. Accept responsibility. Put a lawyer out of business.
32. It is far more impressive when others discover your good qualities without your help.
33. I doubt, therefore I might be.
34. Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.
35. When bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking about themselves.
36. Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don't mind, it doesn't matter.
37. You cannot achieve the impossible without attempting the absurd.
38. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
39. Nothing is illegal until you get caught.
40. Cole's Axiom: The sum of intelligence on the planet is a constant. The population is growing

[the-vanilla-gorilla]

41. Don't let schooling get in the way of your education.
42. Keep that sense of humor; it's critical.
43. I envy my dog because..He always tries to put his head between some girls legs, and they pet him!
44. Whoever said money can't buy happiness simply didn't know where to go shopping.
45. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
46. A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money
47. A citizen of America will cross the ocean to fight for democracy, but won't cross the street to vote in a national election.
48. Things are only impossible until they're not.
49. If you can't learn to do it well, learn to enjoy doing it badly.
50. People who say it can't be done, should not interrupt those of us who are doing it.
51. There is a light at the end of every tunnel. Just pray that it isnt a train.
52. Please excuse my bad English; I'm American.
53. Give the gift of love, and people think you're cheap. Give them a cheap bit of crap, and they love you for it. Go figure.
54. Incoming fire has the right of way.
55. My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right.
56. When tempted to fight fire with fire, keep in mind that the Fire Department usually uses water.
57. Never put off till tomorrow what you can avoid all together.
58. Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
59. A real person has two reasons for doing anything ... a good reason and the real reason.
60. A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices