Andrew DICE Clay [Archive] - CANADA BODYBUILDING

UkrainianGuy

24-12-2008, 03:24 PM

UkrainianGuy

24-12-2008, 03:25 PM

UkrainianGuy

24-12-2008, 03:26 PM

NorthOf60

24-12-2008, 05:22 PM

Andrew Dice Clay's standup back in the day was so ****in funny.

Little miss muffit sat on a tuffit,
eating her curds and whey.
Along came a spider and sat down beside her
and said whats in the bowl BITCH!

25-12-2008, 05:52 AM

Justin and Pink are faking haha.

UkrainianGuy

13-01-2009, 05:48 PM

"Watching Jerry Seinfeld on stage is like watching a ****ing accountant," says comedian Andrew Dice Clay. "It's just so absolutely god-awful. I would rather watch a Monday night amateur who doesn't know any better try to create something funny rather than going, 'Have you been to McDonald's lately?' Yeah, I have. What's so funny about it? The fries are good. You put me on stage, I'm the greatest stand-up ever in the history of American culture."

For a short while, that statement may not have been far from the truth, considering any controversy surrounding Clay's plain, straightforward blue humor predated the South Park franchise by well over a decade. Single evening engagements with Dice packed tens of thousands of screaming fans into auditoriums all across America, and filled Madison Square Gardens to capacity on more than one occasion.

Andrew Clay Silverstein started practicing comedy at age twenty. He didn't know anyone in the business, but he worked hard every night to sharpen what can only be described as an impossibly crass, racist, misogynist attache of gags under the guise of his stage presence, a character affectionately referred to as Diceman. While other comedians were out postulating whether or not you might be redneck, Diceman had already begun dumbing it down a notch.

"All over the country, stop cigarettes, stop ****in' cigarettes. Up in San Francisco, the fag capitol of California, they passed a bill, you can't even smoke in the street. They say it offends people. But it's okay if you wanna butt-slam your buddy while waiting for the bus? You smack him in the face with your dick five or six times? Oh, this isn't offensive. You can smoke a baloney pony, but not a ****in' Marlboro? Wiping your ass is a filthy habit but nobody's banning that. Oh look at him - he's smoking! Yeah, and I'm jerking off too, honey. Come a little closer, I'll butter your ****in' popcorn."
Women sitting front row center were regularly traumatized by Dice's immediate attention. "Look at this big-titty bitch," he'd begin. "Her tits are huge. I would not mind sticking my dick in between those. Would you mind if I checked them out right here? How much do they weigh?"

One female audience member, Heather Swanson, was mortified. "For ten minutes he went on about my chest. He even brought my roommate into it, fantasizing what would it be like to have both 'pairs' in his face. When it was over, if there were a garbage bag I would have worn it home. I have never seen so many people, men and women, stare at breasts like they did. No eye contact is all I could think. Just don't look up. Don't even breathe."

Dice is accused of trafficking only in the Insult, obvious stereotypes, and age-old generalizations. Elder comedians like Don Rickles and Richard Pryor have indeed paved the way for this kind of material, but people regard Clay with contempt, like he's doing more harm than good onstage. He entertains mindless drunken adults with excruciating humor about Asian drivers. "How do you drive when your eyes are three-quarters of the way shut?" he rants on an album, even going so far as to include the shopworn bit about blinding them with dental floss. "You don't give 'em keys to a car, you kick 'em in the ass and say get the **** out of the country!"

His leather jacket and booming Brooklyn drawl provide ninety-nine percent of the assault. His appearance on the 1989 MTV Video Awards contained so much profanity that he was banned from the network altogether. The controversy continued the following year when Dice's booking as guest host for Saturday Night Live caused cast member Nora Dunn to boycott the show in protest of his remarks about women. Dunn never returned to the cast.

Meanwhile, other comedians didn't understand what was so funny. They analyzed transcripts of his material - and, well, they couldn't find any actual jokes. Entertainers on the comedy circuit (George Carlin and Bill Cosby, chief among them) grew concerned. The "Diceman" had effectively dumbed down audience attention spans, conscious engagement, and expectation. Dice was an abstract threat who made it seem like comedy without dick jokes somehow lacked value. His ridiculous nursery rhymes were warping the bell curve. And besides, it hardly seemed fair that brilliant, mind-expanding satirists like Bill Hicks were forced to labor away in relative obscurity while "controversial" Dice graduated to celebrity millionaire status. Andrew Dice Clay was soon soaking up everything Las Vegas had to offer.

"I've even got a telescope in my room to look into other rooms. What's better than that? What's better than peeping on some guy that's not here with his wife, ya know, pickin' up some slob in the casino, gettin' her all liquored up and they're gonna get sloppy in his room bangin' their brains out? I'm disease free; I take care of myself, and I go to sleep. I clock out before I'm finished. Masturbation is the best sleeping pill you could ever imagine. You know that. Don't ever lie to me 'cause I know when you are."

On December 11, 1998, Dice appeared on the now-defunct Politically Incorrect with Bill Maher, alongside Republican Congressman Jack Kingston, former MTV personality Kennedy, and Eric McCormack from Will and Grace. It was four chirpy, polished professionals and a lumpy, abrasive Dice Clay. He looked like a dazed alcoholic, smoking cigarettes from his pocket and dispensing trademarked pearls of wisdom on subjects like the Lewinsky Affair.

"They should give Bill Clinton a raise for banging all these ugly chicks," Dice was heard to remark. "It's not like he's going with the Pamela Andersons of the world. Or Paula Jones - that chick's got a snout like an anteater. Or these big, heavyset lesbians like Linda Tripp. With them jowls hanging down. She's like a walrus outta the zoo. She got mad that Lewinsky was getting all of it, and that's what causes women to go with other women. Don't get me wrong - I don't mind if they're a little thick, but there should be a law against ugliness. There needs to be a three-week incarceration and a $1,000 fine. With all the lipstick and rouge and eye makeup, there should not be ugliness in this world."

As the discussion escalated into gender matters, flat-chested activist Kennedy tried her darnedest to give Dice the smackdown. "Andrew - can I just say - you're so inarticulate you make Dennis Rodman look like Oprah Winfrey."

This put-down actually fails upon closer examination, because Rodman and Winfrey are equally inarticulate. However, a smattering of obedient barks and seal-slaps rippled through the air-conditioned studio.

"A lot of people tell me that," Clay responded to Kennedy over the laughter. "But later on when I get you all liquored up and sloppy on the dance floor, all of a sudden I become your hero. Look what I'm doing to you now. Good for me. You wouldn't talk to me if I didn't appeal to you." Kennedy squinched up her face, effectively telegraphing her disgust.

Dice briefly tried to change his image, with limited success. He shortened his name to Andrew Clay and took the lead role in Bless This House, a squeaky-clean, profanity-free CBS sitcom fashioned after The Honeymooners.

GLAAD took issue with Dice's presence on network television right away, protesting his sexist, homophobic reputation. Peter Noah, an independent producer for Warner Bros. Television emphatically asserted that the Diceman persona was distinctly different from Andrew Clay the actor. It was decided that Clay's character would not talk, dress, or behave in any way like Dice - and surprise, the show lasted less than five months. Clay returned to Las Vegas, where he performs Diceman routines to this day.
"It's not about the controversy - it's about being funny, and being funny means saying whatever you feel like saying to make people laugh. I'm not saying this to 5-year-olds. I'm saying this to adults. I never incited riots. I did gay material, I still do the sex material, but it wasn't to hurt, it was to make jokes. If you take away the people, what are you going to say? What are you going to make jokes about? Trees?"

UkrainianGuy

13-01-2009, 05:50 PM

One Night at McCool's (2001) (as Andrew Silverstein) .... Utah/Elmo

Point Doom (2001) .... Frankie

My 5 Wives (2000) .... Tony Morano
... aka Mes cinq chéries (Canada: French title)

"Chicken Soup for the Soul" (1 episode, 1999)

- The Surprise Date (1999) TV Episode (as Andrew Clay Silverstein)
Foolish (1999) .... El Dorado Ron

Whatever It Takes (1999) .... Dave Menardi

"Hitz" (1997) TV Series .... Jimmy Esposito (unknown episodes, 1997)

"Rugrats" .... Plumber (1 episode, 1997)

- Angelica Nose Best/Pirate Light (1997) TV Episode (voice) .... Plumber
The Good Life (1997)

Favorite Deadly Sins (1995) (TV) (as Andrew Clay) .... Richard Spencer
... aka National Lampoon's Favorite Deadly Sins (USA: complete title)
"Bless This House" .... Burt Clayton (3 episodes, 1995-1996)

- A Fight a Day Keeps the Doctor Away (1995) TV Episode .... Burt Clayton

- A Date Which Will Live in Infamy (1995) TV Episode .... Burt Clayton

- Company Loves Misery (1995) TV Episode .... Burt Clayton
Jury Duty (1995) (uncredited) .... Tommy's uncle
No Contest (1994) .... Oz, aka Raymond Ulysses Brice
Brain Smasher... A Love Story (1993) (V) .... Ed Molloy
... aka Brainsmasher: A Love Story
... aka The Bouncer and the Lady

The Chili Con Carne Club (1993) (as Andrew 'Dice' Clay) .... Voice of The Cooler

The Adventures of Ford Fairlane (1990) .... Ford Fairlane

"Saturday Night Live" .... Host (1 episode, 1990)
... aka NBC's Saturday Night (USA: first season title)
... aka SNL (USA: informal title)
... aka SNL 25 (USA: alternative title)
... aka Saturday Night (USA: second season title)
... aka Saturday Night Live '80 (USA: sixth season title)

- Andrew Dice Clay/Julee Cruise/Spanic Boys (1990) TV Episode .... Host

Casual Sex? (1988) .... Vinny

"Crime Story" .... Max Goldman (5 episodes, 1986-1987)

- Mig 21 (1987) TV Episode (as Andrew Clay) .... Max Goldman

- Ground Zero (1987) TV Episode (as Andrew Clay) .... Max Goldman

- The Kingdom of Money (1987) TV Episode (as Andrew Clay) .... Max Goldman

- The St. Louis Book of Blues (1986) TV Episode .... Max Goldman

- Shadow Dancer (1986) TV Episode .... Max Goldman

Amazon Women on the Moon (1987) .... Frankie (segment "Video Date")

Crime Story (1986) (TV) .... Max Goldman

Pretty in Pink (1986) (as Andrew 'Dice' Clay) .... Bouncer at CATS

Charlie Barnett's Terms of Enrollment (1986) (V) .... Tough Kid
... aka Terms of Enrollment (USA: short title)

Private Resort (1985) (as Andrew Clay) .... Curt

Night Patrol (1984) (as Andy Clay) .... Tony Baroni

Making the Grade (1984) (as Andrew Clay) .... Dice
... aka The Last American Preppy (USA)

"Diff'rent Strokes" .... Crazy Larry (2 episodes, 1982-1983)

- My Fair Larry (1983) TV Episode .... Crazy Larry

- The Peacemaker (1982) TV Episode .... Crazy Larry

Wacko (1983) .... Tony Schlongini
... aka Crazy Doctor in Love (Philippines: English title)

"M*A*S*H" .... Cpl. Hrabosky (1 episode, 1982)

- Trick or Treatment (1982) TV Episode (as Andrew Clay) .... Cpl. Hrabosky
Razzie Awards

1992 NominatedRazzie AwardWorst Actorfor: Dice Rules (1991)

Worst Screenplay
for: Dice Rules (1991)Shared with:Lenny Schulman

1991 WonRazzie AwardWorst Actorfor: The Adventures of Ford Fairlane (1990)

UkrainianGuy

04-03-2009, 01:14 AM

UkrainianGuy

04-03-2009, 01:15 AM

UkrainianGuy

04-03-2009, 01:15 AM