Joke Thread [Archive] - CANADA BODYBUILDING - CANADIAN BODYBUILDING FORUM

UkrainianGuy

31-10-2008, 09:39 PM

UkrainianGuy

31-10-2008, 09:41 PM

UkrainianGuy

31-10-2008, 09:46 PM

UkrainianGuy

31-10-2008, 09:54 PM

UkrainianGuy

31-10-2008, 09:56 PM

BAM

31-10-2008, 11:08 PM

UkrainianGuy

04-11-2008, 11:43 AM

THIS MUST COUNT AS THE BEST MOTHER-IN-LAW JOKE!

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the man's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from his body because he was too skinny.

So the wife offered to donate some of her own skin. However, the only skin on her body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from her buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the Skin came from, and they requested that the doctor also honor;their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.

After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the man's new face He looked more handsome than he ever had before! All his friends and relatives just went on and on about his youthful beauty!

One day, he was alone with his wife, and he was overcome with emotion at her sacrifice. He said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. How can I possibly repay you?"

"My darling," she replied,

"I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."

Big D

04-11-2008, 11:46 AM

Lol Nice

Ritch

04-11-2008, 12:40 PM

Here`s a sick one

Q: what`s the best thing about ****ing 23 year olds?

A: there`s 20 of them.

UkrainianGuy

05-11-2008, 06:40 PM

20 WAYS TO MAINTAIN A HEALTHY LEVEL OF INSANITY

1. At lunch time, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a hair dryer at passing cars. See if they slow down.

2. Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice.

3. Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.

4. Put your garbage can on your desk and label it "IN".

5. Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.

6. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for smuggling diamonds".

7. Finish all your sentences with "in accordance with the prophecy".

8. Don't use any punctuation.

9. As often as possible, skip rather than walk.

10. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat - with a serious face.

11. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go".

12. Sing along at the opera.

13. Put mosquito netting around your work area and play tropical sounds all day at work.

14. Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme.

15. Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend their party because you're not in the mood.

16. Have your coworkers address you by your wrestling name, Rock Bottom.

17. When the money comes out the ATM, scream "I won! I won!"

18. When leaving the zoo, start running towards the parking lot yelling, "run for your lives, they're loose!!
19. Tell your children over dinner "due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go."

20. And the final way to keep a healthy level of insanity . e-mail this to someone to make them smile and laugh. Its called therapy.
__________________

Ritch

05-11-2008, 11:21 PM

those are good, some nice smart ass one`s I`ll try to remember...

UkrainianGuy

07-11-2008, 10:40 PM

UkrainianGuy

07-11-2008, 10:41 PM

UkrainianGuy

07-11-2008, 10:42 PM

UkrainianGuy

07-11-2008, 10:49 PM

UkrainianGuy

09-11-2008, 08:52 PM

UkrainianGuy

10-11-2008, 12:27 AM

UkrainianGuy

10-11-2008, 12:30 AM

UkrainianGuy

12-11-2008, 12:40 AM

UkrainianGuy

12-11-2008, 12:45 AM

:moon

UkrainianGuy

13-11-2008, 01:08 AM

UkrainianGuy

13-11-2008, 07:31 PM

UkrainianGuy

18-11-2008, 09:51 PM

Four men were sitting around a conference room table being interviewed for a job.

The interviewer asked, 'What is the fastest thing you know of?'

The first man replied, 'A thought. It pops into your head, there's no
forewarning that it's on the way; it's just there. A thought is the fastest thing I know of.

'That's very good,' replied the interviewer. 'And now you, sir,' he asked the second man.

'Hmmm, let me see... a blink!' said the second man.

'It comes and goes and you don't know it ever happened. A blink is the fastest thing I know of.'

'Excellent!' said the interviewer. 'The blink of an eye. That's a very
popular cliché for speed.' He then turned to the third man who was
contemplating his reply.

'Well, out on my dad's property, you step out of the house and on the wall there is a light switch. When you flip that switch, way across the paddock the light at the barn comes on in an instant. Turning on a light is the fastest thing I can think of.'

The interviewer was very impressed with the third answer and thought he had found his man. 'It's hard to beat the speed of light', he said.

Turning to the fourth man, an Australian, he posed the same question.

'After hearing the three previous answers, it's obvious to me the fastest thing known is diarrhea,' said the Aussie.

'What!' said the interviewer, stunned by the response?

'Oh, I can explain', said the Aussie, 'You see, the other day I wasn't feeling so well and ran for the bathroom. But, before I could think, blink, or turn on he light, I shit my pants.'

He got the job...

UkrainianGuy

22-11-2008, 12:04 PM

How Do Crazy People Go Through The Forest ?
They Take The Psycho Path

How Do You Get Holy Water?
You Boil The Hell Out Of It (I love that one!)

What Do Fish Say When They Hit a Concrete Wall?
Dam!

What Do Eskimos Get From Sitting On The Ice too Long?
Polaroid's

What Do You Call a Boomerang That Doesn't work?
A Stick

What Do You Call Cheese That Isn't Yours?
Nacho Cheese.

What Do You Call Four Bullfighters In Quicksand?
Quattro Sinko.

What Do You Get From a Pampered Cow?
Spoiled Milk.

What Do You Get When You Cross a Snowman With a Vampire?
Frostbite.

What Lies At The Bottom Of The Ocean And Twitches?
A Nervous Wreck.

What's The Difference Between Roast Beef And Pea Soup?
Anyone Can Roast Beef.

Where Do You Find a Dog With No Legs?
Right Where You Left Him.

Why Do Gorillas Have Big Nostrils?
Because They Have Big Fingers .

What Kind Of Coffee Was Served On The Titanic?
Sanka.

Why Did Pilgrims' Pants Always Fall Down?
Because They Wore Their Belt Buckle On Their Hat.

What's The Difference Between a Bad Golfer And a Bad Skydiver?
A Bad Golfer Goes, Whack , Dang!
A Bad Skydiver Goes Dang! Whack .

How Are a Texas Tornado And a Tennessee Divorce The Same?
Somebody's Gonna Lose A Trailer

vazsek

22-11-2008, 11:09 PM

2 condoms are walking past a gay bar, one looks at the other and says... "wanna go get shit faced?"

UkrainianGuy

24-11-2008, 11:51 PM

A gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and was on the verge of being burned out. Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would be beneficial, he decided to change careers and become an auto mechanic. He found out from the local technical college what was involved, signed up for evening classes, attended diligently and learned all he could.

When the time for the practical exam approached, the gynecologist
prepared carefully for weeks, and completed the exam with tremendous skill. When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of 150%.

Fearing an error, he called the instructor saying, "I don't want to
appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wondered if
there has been an error that needs adjusting?"

The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine
apartperfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the
engine back together again perfectly which is also worth 50% of the
mark."

The instructor went on to say, "I gave you an extra 50% because you did all of it through the muffler.

UkrainianGuy

25-11-2008, 02:54 AM

UkrainianGuy

25-11-2008, 02:54 AM

MIAGIONJUS

26-11-2008, 10:13 PM

Ukranianguy u ever heard of a comedian with a southern accent who has a fukin killer stand up where he goes on about walmart and the greeter person.. ive been lookin for it for a while and cant seem to locate it.. any ideas as to who he is???

UkrainianGuy

26-11-2008, 10:50 PM

NO CLUE, but i probably have it on my home pc HD, i will post it as soon as i find it :)

UkrainianGuy

27-11-2008, 12:47 AM

UkrainianGuy

27-11-2008, 01:09 AM

MIAGIONJUS

27-11-2008, 11:01 AM

NO CLUE, but i probably have it on my home pc HD, i will post it as soon as i find it :)

thanks!!

UkrainianGuy

01-12-2008, 09:52 PM

A Somali arrives in Toronto as a new immigrant to the Canada .

He stops the first person he sees walking down the street and says,
'Thank you Mr. Canadian for letting me in this country, giving me housing,
money for food, free medical care, and free education!'

The passerby says, 'You are mistaken, I am Jamaican.'

The man goes on and encounters another passerby.

'Thank you for having such a beautiful country here in Canada !'

The person says, 'I not Canadian, I Vietnamese.'

The new arrival walks further, and the next person he sees he stops,
shakes his hand and says, 'Thank you for the wonderful Canada !'

That person puts up his hand and says, 'I am from Middle East , I am
not Canadian!'

He finally sees a nice lady and asks, 'Are you a Canadian?'

She says, 'No, I am from Africa !'

Puzzled, he asks her, 'Where are all the Canadians?'

The African lady checks her watch and says...'Probably at work.'

UkrainianGuy

03-12-2008, 02:13 AM

UkrainianGuy

04-12-2008, 03:55 AM

UkrainianGuy

05-12-2008, 01:19 AM

UkrainianGuy

06-12-2008, 04:38 AM

DO YOU FART IN BED?

IF THIS STORY DOESN'T MAKE YOU CRY FROM LAUGHING SO HARD, LET ME KNOW AND I'LL PRAY FOR YOU. THIS IS A STORY ABOUT A COUPLE WHO HAD BEEN HAPPILY MARRIED FOR YEARS.

THE ONLY FRICTION IN THEIR MARRIAGE WAS THE HUSBAND'S HABIT OF FARTING LOUDLY EVERY MORNING WHEN HE AWOKE. THE NOISE WOULD WAKE HIS WIFE AND THE SMELL WOULD MAKE HER EYES WATER AND MAKE HER GASP FOR AIR.

EVERY MORNING SHE WOULD PLEAD WITH HIM TO STOP RIPPING THEM OFF BECAUSE IT WAS MAKING HER SICK. HE TOLD HER HE COULDN'T STOP IT AND THAT IT WAS PERFECTLY NATURAL. SHE TOLD HIM TO SEE A DOCTOR, SHE WAS CONCERNED THAT ONE DAY HE WOULD BLOW HIS GUTS OUT.

THE YEARS WENT BY AND HE CONTINUED TO RIP THEM OUT. THEN ONE THANKSGIVING MORNING AS SHE WAS PREPARING THE TURKEY FOR DINNER AND HE WAS UPSTAIRS SOUND ASLEEP, SHE LOOKED AT THE INNARDS AND NECK, GIZZARD, LIVER AND ALL THE SPARE PARTS AND A MALICIOUS THOUGHT CAME TO HER.

SHE TOOK THE BOWL AND WENT UPSTAIRS WHERE HER HUSBAND WAS SOUND ASLEEP AND, GENTLY PULLING THE BED COVERS BACK, SHE PULLED BACK THE ELASTIC WAISTBAND OF HIS UNDERPANTS AND EMPTIED THE BOWL OF TURKEY GUTS INTO HIS SHORTS.

SOME TIME LATER SHE HEARD HER HUSBAND WAKEN WITH HIS USUAL TRUMPETING WHICH WAS FOLLOWED BY A BLOOD CURDLING SCREAM AND THE SOUND OF FRANTIC FOOTSTEPS AS HE RAN INTO THE BATHROOM. THE WIFE COULD HARDLY CONTROL HERSELF AS SHE ROLLED ON THE FLOOR LAUGHING, TEARS IN HER EYES! AFTER YEARS OF TORTURE SHE RECKONED SHE HAD GOT HIM BACK PRETTY GOOD.

ABOUT TWENTY MINUTES LATER, HER HUSBAND CAME DOWNSTAIRS IN HIS BLOODSTAINED UNDERPANTS WITH A LOOK OF HORROR ON HIS FACE. SHE BIT HER LIP AS SHE ASKED HIM WHAT WAS THE MATTER.

HE SAID, 'HONEY YOU WERE RIGHT. ALL THESE YEARS YOU HAVE WARNED ME AND I DIDN'T LISTEN TO YOU'.

'WHAT DO YOU MEAN?' ASKED HIS WIFE.

'WELL, YOU ALWAYS TOLD ME THAT ONE DAY I WOULD END UP FARTING MY GUTS OUT, AND TODAY IT FINALLY HAPPENED.
BUT BY THE GRACE OF GOD, SOME VASELINE AND TWO FINGERS. I THINK I GOT MOST OF THEM BACK IN.'

UkrainianGuy

09-12-2008, 02:53 AM

UkrainianGuy

09-12-2008, 02:55 AM

UkrainianGuy

09-12-2008, 02:55 AM

UkrainianGuy

09-12-2008, 02:56 AM

UkrainianGuy

11-12-2008, 02:07 AM

UkrainianGuy

19-12-2008, 12:06 AM

UkrainianGuy

21-12-2008, 12:41 AM

UkrainianGuy

24-12-2008, 02:17 PM

UkrainianGuy

29-12-2008, 12:00 AM

This could only happen with a little Italian kid..

'Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl'.

The priest asks, 'Is that you, little Joey Pagano?'
'Yes, Father, it is.'

'And who was the girl you were with?'
'I can't tell you, Father, I don't want to ruin her reputation'

Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now.

Was it Tina Minetti?'
'I cannot say.'

'Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?'
'I'll never tell.'

'Was it Nina Capelli?'
'I'm sorry, but I cannot name her.'

'Was it Cathy Piriano?'
'My lips are sealed.'

'Was it Rosa Di Angelo, then?'
'Please, Father, I cannot tell you.'

The priest sighs in frustration. 'You're very tight lipped, Joey Pagano, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself.'

Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, 'What'd you get?'

4 months vacation and five good leads.

UkrainianGuy

29-12-2008, 07:50 PM

UkrainianGuy

29-12-2008, 09:19 PM

UkrainianGuy

29-12-2008, 09:21 PM

UkrainianGuy

29-12-2008, 09:21 PM

icey_boi

29-12-2008, 10:08 PM

UkrainianGuy

30-12-2008, 09:37 PM

UkrainianGuy

04-01-2009, 11:11 PM

UkrainianGuy

10-01-2009, 08:33 PM

UkrainianGuy

10-01-2009, 08:36 PM

UkrainianGuy

13-01-2009, 09:07 PM

UkrainianGuy

16-01-2009, 10:01 PM

UkrainianGuy

16-01-2009, 10:02 PM

UkrainianGuy

16-01-2009, 10:09 PM

UkrainianGuy

26-01-2009, 10:14 PM

Click here: Oddcast Text-To-Speech Demos
http://www.oddcast.com/home/demos/tts/tts_example.php?sitepal

UkrainianGuy

28-01-2009, 12:49 AM

UkrainianGuy

28-01-2009, 12:51 AM

varking

28-01-2009, 01:48 AM

Here is one... so I walk up to these girls and say hey whats up they say nothing so i say hey lets go share a six pack ahaha bad joke I know kid told me this one today hes a little guy thinks he is a mac was funny from his mouth. After we went to the gym and he said abs it is..

UkrainianGuy

29-01-2009, 01:28 PM

UkrainianGuy

30-01-2009, 01:01 AM

WHERE R THEY NOW?!!?!

http://www.starterupsteve.com/swf/JoeCamel.html

http://www.starterupsteve.com/swf/SpeedyGonzalez.html

http://www.starterupsteve.com/swf/plasticman.html

http://www.starterupsteve.com/swf/marvin.html

http://www.starterupsteve.com/swf/tooncops.html

http://www.starterupsteve.com/swf/SuperMan.html

http://www.starterupsteve.com/swf/HeMan.html

http://www.starterupsteve.com/swf/smurfs.html

http://www.starterupsteve.com/swf/underdog.html

UkrainianGuy

30-01-2009, 01:09 AM

UkrainianGuy

07-02-2009, 10:57 PM

Seth

07-02-2009, 11:47 PM

^ nice find. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go lay down I'm feeling dizzy

UkrainianGuy

10-02-2009, 07:29 PM

UkrainianGuy

11-02-2009, 06:34 PM

:friday

UkrainianGuy

11-02-2009, 06:50 PM

http://www.freakybestmanspeech.com/

touching speech

UkrainianGuy

12-02-2009, 10:25 PM

In addition to communicating with the local Air Traffic Control facility, all aircraft in the Persian Gulf AOR are required to give the Iranian Air Defense Radar (military) a ten minute 'heads up' if they will be transiting Iranian airspace.

This is a common procedure for commercial aircraft and involves giving them your call sign, transponder code, type aircraft, and points of origin and destination.

I just flew with a guy who overheard this conversation on the VHF Guard (emergency) frequency 121.5 MHz while flying from Europe to Dubai . It's too good not to pass along.

The conversation went something like this...
"Iranian Air Defense Radar: 'Unknown aircraft you are in Iranian airspace. Identify yourself.'

Aircraft: 'This is a United States aircraft. I am in Iraqi airspace.'

Air Defense Radar: 'You are in Iranian airspace. If you do not depart our airspace we will launch interceptor aircraft!'

Aircraft: 'This is a United States Marine Corps FA-18 fighter. Send 'em up, I'll wait!'

Air Defense Radar: (no response ... total silence)

UkrainianGuy

14-02-2009, 05:23 PM

UkrainianGuy

15-02-2009, 01:25 PM

UkrainianGuy

21-02-2009, 06:39 PM

UkrainianGuy

21-02-2009, 06:40 PM

UkrainianGuy

27-02-2009, 08:31 PM

pinhead

28-02-2009, 02:21 AM

Penis

I the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:

I do physical labor.

I work at great depths.

I plunge headfirst into everything I do.

I do not get weekends or pub[l]ic holidays off.

I work in a damp environment.

I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation.

I work in high temperatures.

My work exposes me to contagious diseases.

Sincerely,

P. Niss

The Response :

Dear Penis:

After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you

Have raised, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons:

You do not work 8 hours straight.

You fall asleep after brief work periods.

You do not always follow the orders of the management team.

You do not stay in your designated area and are often seen visiting other locations.

You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working.

You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift.

You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the correct protective clothing.

You will retire well before you are 65.

You are unable to work double shifts.

You sometimes leave your designated work area before you have completed the assigned task.

And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and exiting the workplace carrying two suspicious-looking bags.

Sincerely,

V. Gina

CanadianEagle

28-02-2009, 03:29 PM

One year, a husband decided to buy his mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift. The next year, he didn't buy her a gift.

When his wife asked him why, he replied, "Well, she still hasn't used the gift I bought her last year!"

And that's how the fight started.....

--------------------------

My wife walked into the den & asked "What's on the TV?"

I replied "Dust".

And that's how the fight started.....

--------------------------

A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.

She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'

The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'

And that's how the fight started.....

--------------------------

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 200 in about 3 seconds.

I bought her a scale.

And that's how the fight started.....

--------------------------

I asked my wife, 'Where do you want to go for our anniversary?'

It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation.

'Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!' she said.

So I suggested, 'How about the kitchen?'

And that's when the fight started....

--------------------------

My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have sex?'

'No,' she answered.

I then said, 'Is that your final answer?'

She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying 'Yes.'

So I said, 'Then I'd like to phone a friend.'

And that's when the fight started....

--------------------------

I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95.

Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95. I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold cream.

And that's when the fight started.....

--------------------------

I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.

'I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please.'

He said, 'Aren't you worried about the mad cow?'

'Nah, she can order for herself.'

And that's when the fight started.....

UkrainianGuy

06-03-2009, 05:57 PM

UkrainianGuy

06-03-2009, 06:01 PM

UkrainianGuy

08-03-2009, 12:11 PM

UkrainianGuy

11-03-2009, 07:04 PM

CanadianEagle

11-03-2009, 08:40 PM

UkrainianGuy

17-03-2009, 06:52 PM

UkrainianGuy

17-03-2009, 06:59 PM

UkrainianGuy

17-03-2009, 07:01 PM

RagingRandy

17-03-2009, 07:44 PM

A largish woman is standing naked in front of a full length mirror. Her husband is reading the paper. "I'm very unhappy about my small breasts. I think I would consider a breast enhancement."

"Cost too much money," he replied. "Besides, there's a cheap, effective and proven method to bring about bigger breasts."

"What's that?" she asked.

"You get some toilet paper and rub it up and down your cleavage."

"Do you really think that would give me bigger breasts"?

"I don't see why not. It did wonders for your ass."

And that's when the fight started...

I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny? Yeah, well I couldn't believe it.... he was a DWARF!!! He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, 'I AM NOT HAPPY!!!' So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one are you?'....... ...and that's how the fight started....

CanadianEagle

18-03-2009, 04:13 PM

UkrainianGuy

20-03-2009, 08:58 PM

BigDane

20-03-2009, 09:21 PM

Voted the best Australian Joke of 2008……

A bloke's wife goes missing while diving off the West Australian coast. He reports the event, searches fruitlessly and spends a terrible night wondering what could have happened to her.

Next morning there's a knock at the door and he is confronted by a couple of policemen, the old Sarge and a younger Constable. The Sarge says, 'Mate, we have some news for you, unfortunately some really bad news, but, some good news, and maybe some more good news'.

'Well,' says the bloke, 'I guess I'd better have the bad news first?'

The Sarge says, 'I'm really sorry mate, but your wife is dead. Young Bill here found her lying at about five fathoms in a little cleft in the reef. He got a line around her and we pulled her up, but she was dead.'

The bloke is naturally pretty distressed to hear of this and has a bit of a turn. But after a few minutes he pulls himself together and asks what the good news is.

The Sarge says, 'Well when we got your wife up there were quite a few really good sized crays and a swag of nice crabs attached to her, so we've brought you your share.'

He hands the bloke a sugar bag with a couple of nice crays and four or five crabs in it.

'Geez thanks. They're bloody beauties. I guess it's an ill wind and all that... So what's the other possible good news?

'Well', the Sarge says, 'if you fancy a quick trip, me and young Bill here get off duty at around 11 o'clock and we're gonna shoot over there and pull her up again! ******

UkrainianGuy

09-04-2009, 09:08 PM

UkrainianGuy

15-04-2009, 08:36 PM

UkrainianGuy

19-04-2009, 11:20 PM

UkrainianGuy

22-04-2009, 03:56 PM

physique

22-04-2009, 11:04 PM

3 letters

BDH

biggest joke on this site!

lmao

UkrainianGuy

04-05-2009, 05:58 PM

Square Testicles

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
An elderly woman walked into the Bank of Canada one morning with a purse full of money. She wanted to open a savings account and insisted on talking to the president of the Bank because, she said, she had a lot of money.

After many lengthy discussions (after all, the client is always right) an employee took the elderly woman to the president's office.

The president of the Bank asked her how much she wanted to deposit. She placed her purse on his desk and replied, '$165,000'. The president was curious and asked her how she had been able to save so much money. The elderly woman replied that she made bets.

The president was surprised and asked, 'What kind of bets?'

The elderly woman replied, 'Well, I bet you $25,000 that your testicles are square.'

The president started to laugh and told the woman that it was impossible to win a bet like that.

The woman never batted an eye. She just looked at the president and said, 'Would you like to take my bet?'

'Certainly', replied the president.. 'I bet you $25,000 that my testicles are not square.'

'Done', the elderly woman answered. 'But given the amount of money involved, if you don't mind I would like to come back at 10 ' clock tomorrow morning with my lawyer as a witness.' 'No problem', said the president of the Bank confidently...

That night, the president became very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of the mirror examining his testicles, turning them this way and that, checking them over again and again until he was positive that no one could consider his testicles as square and reassuring hi mself that
there
was no way he could lose the bet.

The next morning at exactly 10 o'clock the elderly woman arrived at the president's office with her lawyer and acknowledged the $25,000 bet made the day before that the president's testicles were square.

The president confirmed that the bet was the same as the one made the day before. Then the elderly woman asked him to drop his pants etc. so that she and her lawyer could see clearly.

The president was happy to oblige.

The elderly woman came closer so she could see better and asked the president if she could touch them. 'Of course', said the president. 'Given the amount of money involved, you should be 100% sure.'

The elderly woman did so with a little smile. Suddenly the president noticed that the lawyer was banging his head against the wall. He asked the elderly woman why he was doing that and she replied, 'Oh, it's probably because I bet him $100,000 that around 10 o'clock in the morning I would be holding the balls of the President of the Bank of Canada !'

UkrainianGuy

04-05-2009, 07:37 PM

An RCMP officer stops at a ranch in Alberta, and talks with an old rancher. He tells the rancher, 'I need to inspect your ranch for Illegally grown drugs.'

The old rancher says, 'Okay, but don't go into that field over there.'

The RCMP officer verbally explodes saying; '' Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me.' Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removes his badge and proudly displays it to the farmer. ''See this badge - this badge means I am allowed to go where-ever I want when-ever I wish...and on any-ones land. No questions asked and no answers given. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand?''

The old rancher nods politely and goes about his chores.

A short time later, the old rancher hears loud screams and sees the RCMP officer running for his life, chased close behind by the rancher's bull. With every step the bull is gaining ground on the officer. The young officer is absolutely terrified. The old rancher throws down his tools, races over to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs....'' Your badge! Show him your badge!!''

UkrainianGuy

18-06-2009, 06:30 PM

A doctor examining a woman who had been rushed to the Emergency Room, took the husband aside, and said, "I don't like the looks of your wife at all.”

"Me neither doc," said the husband.
"But she's a great cook and really good with the kids." ....

Weilder

19-06-2009, 12:49 AM

Haha nice thread. Here is my contribution :D

An overweight guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb.
Weight loss
program.

The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a
voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of
Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck.

She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company.
The sign reads, 'If you can catch me, you can have me.'

Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later
huffing and puffing, he finally gives up.

The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing
happens. On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he
has lost 10
lbs. As promised.

He calls the company and orders their 5-day/20 pound program.

The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most
stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life.. She is
wearing
nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads,
'If you
catch me you can have me'.

Well, he's out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent
shape and he does his best, but no such luck. So for the next four days,
the same routine happens with him gradually getting in better and better
shape.

Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he
discovers that he has lost another 20 lbs. As promised.

He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/50
pound program

'Are you sure?' asks the representative on the phone. 'This is our most
rigorous program.'

'Absolutely,' he replies, 'I haven't felt this good in years.'

The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds
a huge muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running
shoes
and a sign around his neck that reads, 'If I catch you, your mine.'

He lost 63 pounds that week.

Ritch

21-06-2009, 03:20 PM

A blind man walks into a fish shop and says " Hello Ladies!"

BritishColumbian

21-06-2009, 04:05 PM

a penguin walks into a bar
Goes up to the bartender and says,"Hey, Im looking for my brother, have you seen him?
The bartender says, "I dont know, what does he look like?"

UkrainianGuy

16-07-2009, 01:28 AM

Economy slow down

LETTER FROM SENIOR MANAGEMENT TO ALL EMPLOYEES... DUE TO ECONOMIC SLOWDOWN...

Dear Employees,

Due to the current financial situation caused by the slowdown of the economy, Manageme nt has decided to implement a scheme to put workers of 40 years of age and above on early retirement. This scheme will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged People Early).

Persons selected to be RAPED can apply to management to be eligible for SHAFT (Special Help After Forced Termination). Persons who have been RAPED and SHAFTED will be reviewed under the SCREW program (Scheme Covering Retired Early Workers). A person may be RAPED once, SHAFTED twice and SCREWED as many times as Management deems appropriate.

Persons who have been RAPED can only get AIDS (Additional Income for Dependents & Spouse) or HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel Early Severance). Obviously persons who have AIDS or HERPES will not be SHAFTED or SCREWED any further by Management.

Persons who are not RAPED and are staying on will receive as much SHIT (Special High Intensity Training) as possible. Management has always prided itself on the amount of SHIT it gives employees. Should you feel that you do not receive enough SHIT, please bring it to the attention of your Supervisor. They have been trained to give you all the SHIT you can handle.

Sincerely, The Management

UkrainianGuy

16-07-2009, 01:36 AM

Union Rules For Hookers----

,
A very dedicated Teamsters union worker was attending a convention in Las Vegas and decided to check out the local brothels. When he got to the first one, he asked the Madam, 'Is this a union house?'

'No,' she replied, 'I'm sorry it isn't.'

'Well, if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?'

'The house gets $80 and the girls get $20,' she answered

Offended at such unfair dealings, the union man stomped off down the
street in search of a more equitable, hopefully unionized shop. His search
continued until finally he reached a brothel where the Madam responded,
'Why yes sir, this is a union house. We observe all union .

The man asked, 'And if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?' 'The
girls get $80 and the house gets $20.'

'That's more like it!' the union man said.

He handed the Madam $100, looked around the room, and pointed to a
stunningly attractive blonde.

'I'd like her,' he said.

'I'm sure you would, sir,' said the Madam. Then she gestured to a 87-year old woman in the corner, 'but Ethel here has 65 years seniority and according to union rules, she's next

UkrainianGuy

25-07-2009, 02:09 AM

A Ukrainian walked into a bank in Toronto and asked for the loan officer.

He told the loan officer that he was going to Kiev on business for two weeks and needed to borrow $5,000 and that he was not a depositor of the bank. The bank officer told him that the bank would need some form of security for the loan, so the Ukrainian handed over the keys to a new Ferrari. The car was parked on the street in front of the bank.
The Ukrainian produced the title and everything checked out. The loan officer agreed to hold the car as collateral for the loan and apologized for having to charge 12% interest.
Later, the bank's president and its officers all enjoyed a good laugh at the Ukrainian for using a $250,000 Ferrari as collateral for a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then drove the Ferrari into the bank's underground garage and parked it.

Two weeks later, the Ukrainian returned, repaid the $5,000 and the interest of $23.07. The loan officer said, "Sir, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is; why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"

The Ukrainian replied: "Where else in Toronto can I park my car for two weeks for only $23.07 and expect it to be there when I return?"

Ah, the Ukrainians... See! Koobasa & Vodka is good for the brain.

UkrainianGuy

25-07-2009, 03:00 AM

One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts. He'd toss them in the air, and then catch them in his mouth. In the middle of catching one, his wife asked him a question - and as he turned to answer her, a peanut fell in his ear.

He tried and tried to dig it out but succeeded in only pushing it in deeper. He called his wife for assistance, and after hours of trying they became worried and decided to go to the hospital.

As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter came home with her date. After being informed of the problem, their daughter's date said he could get the peanut out..

The young man told the father to sit down, then proceeded to shove two fingers up the father's nose and told him to blow hard.

When the father blew, the peanut flew out of his ear. The mother and daughter jumped and yelled for joy.

The young man insisted that it was nothing.

Once he was gone, the mother turned to the father and said, 'That's so wonderful! Isn't he smart? What do you think he's going to be when he grows older?'

The father replied, 'From the smell of his fingers, I'd say our son-in-law.'

CanadianEagle

25-07-2009, 03:37 AM

CanadianEagle

25-07-2009, 03:41 AM

UkrainianGuy

25-07-2009, 02:03 PM

Wife asks her husband
"How many women have you slept with?"

Husband proudly replies:

"Only you Darling;

with all the others,
I was awake!"

UkrainianGuy

02-08-2009, 02:38 AM

UkrainianGuy

03-08-2009, 07:21 PM

UkrainianGuy

12-08-2009, 02:45 AM

UkrainianGuy

12-08-2009, 05:49 PM

the-vanilla-gorilla

12-08-2009, 09:15 PM

UkrainianGuy

15-08-2009, 09:54 PM

UkrainianGuy

30-08-2009, 05:41 PM

Some awesome prizes of inginuity

http://thereifixedit.com/

guym

31-08-2009, 12:12 AM

May have been posted, but: http://www.slightlywarped.com/crapfactory/curiosities/2009/unfortunaterestaurantnames.htm

UkrainianGuy

02-09-2009, 05:47 PM

When Jane initially met Tarzan in the jungle, she was attracted to him, and during her questions about his life, she asked him how he had sex?
'Tarzan not know sex' he replied.
Jane explained to him what sex was.
Tarzan said 'Oh,....Tarzan use knot hole in trunk of tree.'

Horrified Jane said, 'Tarzan you have it all wrong, but I will show you how to do it properly.'

She took off her clothing and laid down on the ground. 'Here' she said, pointing to her privates, 'you must put it in here.'
Tarzan removed his loin cloth, showing Jane his considerable manhood, stepped closer to her and kicked her in the crotch!

Jane rolled around in agony for what seemed like an eternity. Eventually she managed to grasp for air and screamed ' What did you do that for?'
Tarzan replied, 'Check for squirrel.'

UkrainianGuy

05-09-2009, 09:39 AM

UkrainianGuy

09-09-2009, 07:05 PM

A man boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crabs and
asked a blonde stewardess to take care of them for him.

She took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator.

He advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for them
staying frozen, mentioned in a very haughty manner that he was a
lawyer,and proceeded to rant at her about what would happen if she let
them thaw out.

Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behavior.

Shortly before landing in New York, she used the intercom to announce
to the entire cabin, "Would the gentleman who gave me the crabs in New
Orleans please raise his hand?"

Not one hand went up ... so she took them home and had a feast.

Two lessons here:
1. Lawyers aren't as smart as they think they are.
2. Blondes aren't as dumb as most men think .

UkrainianGuy

20-10-2009, 01:51 PM

Stuttering cat

A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students. 'Human beings are the only animals that stutter', she says.

A little girl raises her hand. 'I had a kitty-cat who stuttered', she volunteered.

The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident.

'Well', she began, 'I was in the back yard with my kitty and the rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!

'That must've been scary', said the teacher. 'It sure was', said the little girl. 'My kitty raised his back, went 'Fffff, Fffff, Fffff'... And before he could say ' ****,' the rottweiler ate him!'http://gfx2.hotmail.com/mail/w2/emoticons/smile_omg.gif

UkrainianGuy

20-10-2009, 01:52 PM

A man named Jed had a job which subjected him to random drug and alcohol checks. One day his number is drawn, and after his test, the technician notified him that he tested positive for drugs.

Jed adamantly denied taking any illegal drugs recently, so he was sent for an interview with the company doctor.

During his interview, the doctor asked him to account for his activity the previous night.

Jed admitted to the doctor that he stopped off at the local bar after a ball game with his teammates.

He told the doctor that gradually, one by one, the other ballplayers left until it was only himself and a woman in the bar.

He told the doctor that since he was by himself, he sat with her and bought her a drink, and pretty soon, she asked him for a ride home.

The doctor asked, 'Then what happened?'

Jed told him that as soon as they got in the car, the woman became quite amorous, and she performed oral sex on him, and then asked him to perform on her.

'Don't tell me that you did it,' said the doctor.

'Sure I did,' answered Jed 'Why, what's the matter?'

'Well, said the doctor, that's why you tested positive. That was a barbitchyouate.'

UkrainianGuy

20-10-2009, 02:23 PM

Photo on the Night Stand

After a long night of making love,
the guy notices a photo of another man,
on the woman's nightstand by the bed.
He begins to worry.
"Is this your husband?"
he nervously asks.

"No, silly,"
she replies, snuggling up to him.

"Your boyfriend, then?"
he continues.
"No, not at all,"
she says, nibbling away at his ear.

"Is it your dad or your brother?"
he inquires, hoping to be reassure d.

"No, no, no! You are so hot when you're jealous!"
she answers.

"Well, who in the hell is he, then?"
he demands..

She whispers in his ear
"That's me before the surgery."

beserker

20-10-2009, 07:46 PM

So you know how eskimos give each other kisses by rubbing their noses together....well there is an epidemic happening , it seams as though there are many , many cases of sniffallis.........

megwell

12-12-2009, 03:25 AM

A small soft spoken scared man was sent to prison

he was placed in a cell with a big well seasoned lifer convict.

The big con said to the timid newbie in a deep voice
" do you want to be Mommy or Daddy"

The frightened man said sheepishly "Daddy....?..."

The big con then replied in his deep voice "Come Suck Mommies Dick then"

Chunk

12-12-2009, 09:28 AM

a guy walks into a bar...

"what'll you have?" says the bartender.

"anything but canadian." says the guy.

"whats wrong with canadian?" the bartender asks.

"the last time I drank a 24 of canadian, I blew chunks" replied the man.

the bartender says "that's understandable, if you drink 24 beer regardless of the brand...you're going to blow chunks!"

the man says "you don't understand, chunks is my dog!"

countrychic

15-12-2009, 10:32 AM

It is near the Christmas break of the school year. The students haveturned in all their work and there is really nothing more to do. All thechildren are restless and the teacher decides to have an earlydismissal. Teacher: "Whoever answers the questions I ask, first and correctly canleave early today." Little Johnny says to himself "Good, I want to get outta here. I'm smartand will answer the question."

Teacher: "Who said 'Four Score and Seven Years Ago'?" Before Johnny can open his mouth, Susie says, "Abraham Lincoln." Teacher: "That's right Susie, you can go home." Johnny is mad that Susie answered the question first.

Teacher: "Who said 'I Have a Dream'?" Before Johnny can open his mouth, Mary says, "Martin Luther King."

Teacher: "That's right Mary, you can go." Johnny is even madder than before.

Teacher: "Who said 'Ask not, what your country can do for you'?" Before Johnny can open his mouth, Nancy says, "John F. Kennedy."

Teacher: "That's right Nancy, you may also leave." Johnny is boiling mad that he has not been able to answer to any of thequestions.

When the teacher turns her back Johnny says, "I wish these bitches wouldkeep their mouths shut!" The teacher turns around: "NOW WHO SAID THAT?" Johnny: "TIGER WOODS. CAN I GO NOW?"

UkrainianGuy

13-01-2010, 07:53 PM

A man was driving when he saw the flash of a traffic camera.

He figured that his picture had been taken for exceeding the limit, even though he knew that he was not speeding...

Just to be sure, he went around the block and passed the same spot, driving even more slowly, but again the camera flashed.

Now he began to think that this was quite funny, so he drove even slower as he passed the area again, but the
traffic camera again flashed.

He tried a fourth time with the same result. He did this a fifth time and was now laughing
when the camera flashed as he rolled past, this time at a snail's pace...

Two weeks later, he got five tickets in the mail for driving without a seat belt.

You can't fix stupid. :)