joke thread

[megwell]

Two men from Calgary were driving through Edmonton when they got pulled over by EPD (Edmonton Police Dept). The cop walked up and tapped on the window with his nightstick.

The driver rolled down the window and 'WHACK!,' the cop smacked him in the head with his nightstick.

'What the hell was that for?' the driver asked.

'You're in Edmonton, son,' the copper answered. 'When we pull you over in Edmonton, you better have your license ready by the time we get to your car.'

'I'm sorry, officer!' the driver said, 'I'm from Calgary and don't know your laws here.'

The Cop (constable on patrol) runs a check on the guy's license--he's clean and gives the guy his license back.

Then the Policeman walks around to the passenger side and taps on the window. The passenger rolls down the window and 'WHACK!,' the Copper smacks him on the head with the nightstick.

'What'd you do that for?' the passenger demands.'

'Just making your wish come true,' replied the trooper.

'Making WHAT wish come true?' the passenger asked.

'Because, I know you Calgary people,' the Copper says... 'Two miles down the road you're gonna turn to your buddy and say, 'I wish that asshole would've tried that shit with me!''

[megwell]

>Family Life

An older, tired-looking dog wandered into my yard;
I could tell from> his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home and was well taken care of.
He calmly came over to me, I gave him a few pats on his head; he then
followed me into my house, slowly walked down the hall, curled up in the corner and fell asleep.
An hour later, he went to the door and I let him out.
The next day he was back, greeted me in my yard, walked inside and> resumed his spot in the hall and again slept for about an hour.
This continued off and on for several weeks.
Curious I pinned a note to his collar: 'I would like to find out who the owner of this wonderful sweet dog is and ask if you are aware that almost every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap.'
The next day he arrived for his nap with a different note pinned to his collar:
'He lives in a home with 6 children, 2 under the age of 3 - he's trying to catch up on his sleep'.
'Can I come with him tomorrow?

[megwell]

kind of a joke
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bn1-M5Ze0p8

[Freebsd1977]

LOL! Well done megwell.

[megwell]

THE JOURNEY OF MAN

When I was 14, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend.
When I was 16 I got a girlfriend, but there was no passion, so I
decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life.

In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional.
Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the
time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with
stability.

When I was 25 I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was
totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became
so dull that I decided that I needed a girl with some excitement.

When I was 28 I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with
her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything.
She
did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as
happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but
directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition.

When I turned 30, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet
planted firmly on the ground, so I married her. She was so ambitious
that she
divorced me and took everything I owned.

I am older and wiser now, and am looking for a girl with big tits

[The Terminator]

:D Nice! :D

Matt

[megwell]

Doctors Never Laugh

. . . the doctor replied, 'Of course I won't laugh, I'm a doctor. In over 20 years I have never laughed at a patient.'

'Okay then,' Bob said and proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the tiniest 'whoo-ha' the doctor had ever seen. It couldn't have been bigger than the size of a AAA battery.

Unable to control himself, the doctor started giggling, then fell to the floor, laughing uncontrollably.
Ten minutes later he was able to struggle to his feet and regain his composure.


'I am SO sorry,' said the doctor. 'I really am. I don't know what came over me. On my honour, as a doctor and a gentleman, I promise it won't happen again. Now, what seems to be the problem ?'

'It's swollen,' Bob replied.

[Anatomy]

this is a 50-50 joke... 50% think it's funny 50% think it's the stupidest one ever (it's one of my favourites)

Two muffins are sitting in the oven, baking. One muffin says to the other, "Man, it's hot in here!" The other muffin points and says, "HEY, LOOK! A TALKING MUFFIN!"

[Anatomy]

I'll toss this one in for good measure :)

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: "That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!" The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: "The driver just insulted me!" The man says: "You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you."