mixed feelings

[grifter]

Ok, so I am wondering what people have done in this circumstance...........

A friend has been married for a few years, loves his wife, no fights or arguments, things are good and both husband and wife are working towards a future.

Another woman has come into the picture. From what I can tell there is sometype of bond between the two (married guy and new woman). There has been no intimate moments, no making out from what I've been told. Just hanging out, texting, etc.

He's talked to me a few times about his feelings for the new girl, which seem to be strong, but I continue to tell him what he already has and what he would lose if the relationship became serious.

I don't want to see him divorced (if it came to that) but I feel that maybe there is something that I'm missing or have overlooked

[cog]

Why did he start communicating with this chick?Sounds like she might be on a mission.You have no way of knowing if things are truly good between them...

[steve_d]

yeah....if he were happily married, he wouldn't have even started the whole texting of the new girl. In my opinion, even texting this new girl as a 'friend' is a form of cheating...Would he like knowing she has been texting a new guy? No...so what makes it ok for him to do it behind her back...

And how do I know its behind her back? Well...if it wasn't, no way would his wife think its OK.

[BAM]

If she knows he is married, she is a home wrecking whore for participating and deserves whatever happens to her.

[steve_d]

people get married too soon, or without reason. Seems nowadays being married is the new 'being in a relationship'. Obviously there is a reason the divorce rate is so high - and this is just another perfect example of it. Not that he's going to cheat or get a divorce, but the likelihood goes up, no doubt.

Its entirely possible you meet someone else you can have a connection with if you are looking for it. But why are you looking if you're happily married? People could give the excuse of 'but the new one is my TRUE soul mate, etc'...But if you got married in the first place, you should be happy enough not to be trying to get something better.

There is a reason marriage is also referred to as settling down. It means you're no longer in the position to start anything new, no matter how innocent it feels at the start. 'hanging out, and texting' is not innocent.

[Talo]

Over time people change and so do couples. Hopefully with a good relationship you change and grow together. If not then they will not last, but hopefully there is enough respect in the relationship NOT to cheat and go behind someone's back.

They should sit down and talk about it. This new women is filling a whole in him that his wife should be filling and could fill if they talked about it. Communication is the key.

[grifter]

thanks for the feedback.

I know my friend and the new girl work together, so possibly over a few years they have become friends, which then maybe led to exchanging numbers and texting? At this point, I think it's innocent as I'm pretty sure he would tell me if he did anything with the girl.

Steve_d - really texting with a girl is cheating? I can understand if it were sexting but not texting. I guess maybe I am guilty of being unfaithful to my wife as I have texted with another woman.

Talo - I like your point on "filling a hole", but I know if I mention anything to my wife about another girl at the gym or bumping into a female friend, I can see the fire in her eyes - probably a latina thing?

[steve_d]

texting is not cheating. but if you're unable to tell your wife that you are texting with your friend who happens to be a girl you've known at work for a few year (oh, and in this case, probably a decent looking girl who he has strong feelings for) then you are being unfaithful to your wife....yes. It's a different story if you were texting you're bosses 65 year old secretary who you consider you're mother who likes to know about your family, etc...but in this case, yeah, he's being unfaithful to his marriage, and isn't heading for anything good.

Myabe I am just clueless, since I never jumped on board the BBM bandwagon. But from history, the only thing I used MSN for was chatting with girls, who potentially could have gotten in a relationship with. Ever since meeting my wife, I no longer use MSN. And if I still communicated with everyone on my MSN list, I would consider that being unfaithful to her. I just saw a commercial for BBM, and its targetted towards flirting and dating. To me, that's all texting is about, unless its with your same sex friends who you are asking when to meet up at the gym etc. I don't really think my wife would approve me texting some hot little girl I met at the gym to ask when she's planning on being there.

[champion99]

If she knows he is married, she is a home wrecking whore for participating and deserves whatever happens to her.

I agree with Bam .. I have no respect for a women having anything to do with a male she is interested who is married !! IMO the women only cares for herself and has no respect for the family this guy is in...

[natenator]

I don't really think my wife would approve me texting some hot little girl I met at the gym to ask when she's planning on being there.

never know, maybe she would... Lol

[warlock]

That is great that your friend hasn't physically acted on it yet.

There are 3 relationships that he has to deal with

1) him and the wife: that screams couples therapy
Anyone that is in a stable/loving/monogamous relationship will meet people that they find attractive and want to bang unless they live under a rock.
Doing that is another thing. Due to the commitment that you have to your partner you are polite and don't act towards ****ing the 3rd part.
Your friend has gone beyond that point and is acting towards being with the other woman that is pretty much cheating not in a physical manner but emotionally for sure!
I guess that he should first figure out what is going on in his head, heart and underwear.
Is he bored? not attracted to the wife? have they turned into roommates? Is he crazy? Just horny? the list goes on and he needs to dig deeper to know the answers.
You are his friend but not a professional tel him to talk to someone that know what he is doing.

2) him and the other girl
He is married, she is not!
The ethical thing to do is: put her on hold while he deals with the first issue.
If those feelings are real and strong enough everything will be fine at the end.

3?) him self
The dude needs to figure out what he wants and act towards it!
What is more important and what makes him happy.
One of my best friends is divorced 2X just because he wasn't happy and that for me is the best option.
Maybe your friend love the wife for various reasons and they are great friends but not a real couple (here at home there is a rule: the day you don't want em anymore please dump me).

Life is made of priorities your buddy has to decide what his are.

PS. A lot of people here seem to be more interested in sharing their judgment than helping... interesting

[grifter]

Hey Warlock,

Not sure what you do in your professional life, but you may have a career as a life coach or something?

I know for a fact (or atleast I think I do) that my friend is not interested in divorce or anything like that. As mentioned before, he loves his wife but as most males; is attracted to other females. Possibly where some males would leave it at just looking, he may be tempted to explore and bite the bullet. Yes I know it was in the vows he took, to be faithful, but for some, and for what ever reason they can't be faithful.
Maybe he needs help as he could end up screwing up his life, his wife's and possibly the new girl?

[warlock]

Hey Warlock,

Not sure what you do in your professional life, but you may have a career as a life coach or something?

I know for a fact (or atleast I think I do) that my friend is not interested in divorce or anything like that. As mentioned before, he loves his wife but as most males; is attracted to other females. Possibly where some males would leave it at just looking, he may be tempted to explore and bite the bullet. Yes I know it was in the vows he took, to be faithful, but for some, and for what ever reason they can't be faithful.
Maybe he needs help as he could end up screwing up his life, his wife's and possibly the new girl?

Personal trainer here not shrink...lol

Maybe your friend is not wired for monogamy or he and the wife grew apart (we all have friends that we love but would never get married to) and he should find a woman that isn't as well and live a happier life instead of living a farce

[cog]

Or maybe he doesn't want a divorce for financial reasons.