I really dislike McDonalds...

[massmachine]

I will go on record and say that I don't use public toilets unless it is absolutely necessary. I mean, I can piss anywhere -- in a garbage can, in a forest, behind a tent. But when it comes to dropping a shit load, I only go at home. But there *are* emergency nature calls. Times when it's either a stenchy set of drawers or cut loose that shit bladder on public porcelain. McD's's is by far my favorite non-private shitter. If you have to go outside the homestead, find a McD's -- they usually have a clean rest room.

It was Thursday night. I was feeling a rumble about twenty minutes into my road trip. And by a rumble, I mean my stomach was churning. I had just eaten a full "value" meal of some sorts. I didn't want to alarm my buddies, but I needed to stop and drain my intestines before they cut loose on their own.

I told the boys, Brad and Scorch, that I wanted to take a leak. No sense telling them I need to shit. They would only tease me.

"Just pull over the side of the road," they said.

"No," I replied, "I would like to get fries, too."

We found a McD's real easy. I pulled in and headed for the shitter. Great -- no one was in the very clean john. I went into the stall and proceeded to unleash a gastrophic mass. It was quick and mighty.

I'm ready to do my business and hit the road. I went to reach for some toilet paper -- GONE! Here's this BIG plastic dispenser, capable of handling enough toilet paper for a family of four for a year, completely depleted! I couldn't believe it. I'm sitting there with a wet asshole and no way to wipe!

I figured I'd exit the stall, grab a paper towel, roughly wipe my poop chute, and be on my way. And so I left the stall, with my trousers down to my ankles, small bits of foreign material falling on my underwear -- but there was no towel dispenser by the sink. Just one of those electric hand dryers!

What was I gonna do? Stand there blowing hot air at my ass while this shit dries and cakes up in my crack?

Just then, someone walks through the door. There I am, standing with all my wonders hanging loose. This guy looks, sees me, and exits quickly.

At that point, I pull up my pants and exit quickly myself. I grab some napkins at the counter, head back to the john, hide behind the stall door, drop my trousers, and wipe my smelly ass.

It was a very rough wipe. But what are you going to do?

I was very mad. I headed for the exit and didn't even buy the obligatory soft drink or apple pie as a bathroom payment. I loathed McD's management for not providing toilet paper for the patrons of their restaurant. When I was employed at McD's, we took turns inspecting the crapper once per hour and checking to make sure there were towels, paper, and soap, and that everything was clean. One time I had to wipe up some puke. Yes, it was gross, but it was job. Obviously at this McD's, someone was slipping up.

[#8]

I just laughed out loud for a good couple minutes.

Dont you know the golden rule dude? Socks come off first for wiping emergencies, and if both of them cant cut it (remember you can flip them inside out for 2x the wiping), then you sacrifice the boxers too. If you were wearing flip flops and no boxers then I feel your pain.

[Ritch]

So the fact you didn`t check for toilet paper means you didn`t cover the seat. Sick! When I take a shit in public and that`s a very rare thing, I cover that seat real good with several layers of that paper thin substance they like to call toilet paper...

And Mc Donalds is the last place I`d go for a shit. I actually call that place Mc Shits as everything you eat there makes you shit yourself, often in the disguise of thinking you have to fart, then it`s too late, you`ve offially shat your pants. And the Mc shit restrooms I see are always so disgusting, I don`t touch anything in that room. I don`t even wash my hands as I`m sure there`s more germs left of you by touching the sink knobs or anything else in there. To leave, I eiter wait until someone comes in or use tissue to grab the handle.

I`d also be willing to bet the jerk off staff who works there don`t even clean the toilets right. So even if they look clean, they`re not. If shit was on that seat or whatnot you think beavis of butthead working that shift cleaned shit? Hell ****ing no! They grabbed a mop that was probably dirty to start with and then just spread that shit around to make it less visible. The odor from the cleaning product might make you think the place is clean...

Would also bet that even if the shitter was cleaned right, the person goes back to work without washing their hands...

[Big D]

lol I like these stories

[treebuilder]

I just laughed out loud for a good couple minutes.

Dont you know the golden rule dude? Socks come off first for wiping emergencies, and if both of them cant cut it (remember you can flip them inside out for 2x the wiping), then you sacrifice the boxers too. If you were wearing flip flops and no boxers then I feel your pain.


MacGyver of Ass Wiping-lessons learned from traveling while playing hockey I bet

[MMASTAR]

agreed, socks first, then boxers.

[#8]

I just have no shame when it comes to shitting in places, and I have been caught many times in similar situations. In summer it becomes tough because im always wearing flip flops and i rarely wear underwear to begin with.

[ubcpower]

So the fact you didn`t check for toilet paper means you didn`t cover the seat. Sick! When I take a shit in public and that`s a very rare thing, I cover that seat real good with several layers of that paper thin substance they like to call toilet paper...

And Mc Donalds is the last place I`d go for a shit. I actually call that place Mc Shits as everything you eat there makes you shit yourself, often in the disguise of thinking you have to fart, then it`s too late, you`ve offially shat your pants. And the Mc shit restrooms I see are always so disgusting, I don`t touch anything in that room. I don`t even wash my hands as I`m sure there`s more germs left of you by touching the sink knobs or anything else in there. To leave, I eiter wait until someone comes in or use tissue to grab the handle.

I`d also be willing to bet the jerk off staff who works there don`t even clean the toilets right. So even if they look clean, they`re not. If shit was on that seat or whatnot you think beavis of butthead working that shift cleaned shit? Hell ****ing no! They grabbed a mop that was probably dirty to start with and then just spread that shit around to make it less visible. The odor from the cleaning product might make you think the place is clean...

Would also bet that even if the shitter was cleaned right, the person goes back to work without washing their hands...

Fantastic observation Ritch

[Bowlcut]

The perch is necessary for all public toilets as these things aint fit for Christian butt cheeks. YOu should have dialed your bros and got them to bring in some napkins. I'd rather endure the teasing than greasy mud butt.

Please tell me you were not wearing white gonch.

[Paully25]

The perch is necessary for all public toilets as these things aint fit for Christian butt cheeks. YOu should have dialed your bros and got them to bring in some napkins. I'd rather endure the teasing than greasy mud butt.

Please tell me you were not wearing white gonch.

I don't think this actually happened to him...unless he is the originator of the email I have seen before (along with the slap-chop one). ;)

[dremen]

I only shit at home in my own bathroom......NO EXEPTIONS.

[massmachine]

I don't think this actually happened to him...unless he is the originator of the email I have seen before (along with the slap-chop one). ;)

Yes the slap chop was an email I received. Show me an email circulating about shitting at McDonalds and I will make and post a video of me slap chopping my left nut off...

[Ritch]

^^^ Funny shit there massmachine! If I haven`t said it yet, welcome to CBB!

[Paully25]

Yes the slap chop was an email I received. Show me an email circulating about shitting at McDonalds and I will make and post a video of me slap chopping my left nut off...

LMAO - sorry man...I HAVE read something similar, but I'm not about to go hunting the internet for it. If that happened to you, then sorry!
The slap chop one I just got a couple weeks ago, so that was fresh in my head. Funny regardless! :)

[slick rick]

LMAO - sorry man...I HAVE read something similar, but I'm not about to go hunting the internet for it. If that happened to you, then sorry!
The slap chop one I just got a couple weeks ago, so that was fresh in my head. Funny regardless! :)

You in fact my have read something similar before. Massmachine is one of the great writers on human feces of the modern era, he has written many stories and disgusted a great number of people over the years with his detailed memoirs.

[Ritch]

You in fact my have read something similar before. Massmachine is one of the great writers on human feces of the modern era, he has written many stories and disgusted a great number of people over the years with his detailed memoirs.

Awesome, I look forward to these stories!

[bigtavi8]

I am deathly afaid of public washrooms because man you never no what shit someone has sitting on that seat. Now im not going to go and hover like a chic cuz honestly thats right queer. I prefer the 10 layer bird nest if the worst happens and i have no choice or option. But on a positive note MCdicks has clean bathrooms but tim hortons has the best ones for privacy for the win.

[kloan]

Wow, talk about a valuable life lesson learned there!


These are some simple rules I follow if I must use a public washroom:

- Always check for toilet paper before committing to that stall
- Cover the seat in at least 4-5 layers of toilet paper (or 2-3 of those seat covers)
- Make sure to cover the little slit in front, between the two halves of the seat (if it's that kind)
- Make a pile of toilet paper IN the bowl, to protect from splash-back. This one is VERY important. With the amount of bacteria, virii, etc that people spread, the last thing you want is some of that water to splash back up your ass when you drop a log. Think of MRSA and the like...
- And finally, don't flush until you've finished wiping your ass and you're standing up. (little bits of water will splash up and hit your ass if you flush while you're sitting, again think of bacteria, etc.)

Live by these rules and you will never have a problem again using a public washroom. :)

[Ritch]

^^^ Funny and very true stuff! Good tip on covering the spot where the seat splits. You don`t want your pecker to touch that part. It`s happened to me before and I kept checking to see if my cock was developing some kind of infection.

[ubcpower]

^^^ Funny and very true stuff! Good tip on covering the spot where the seat splits. You don`t want your pecker to touch that part. It`s happened to me before and I kept checking to see if my cock was developing some kind of infection.

my penis isnt long enough to touch this vulnerable area but ill cover none the less

[Ritch]

my penis isnt long enough to touch this vulnerable area but ill cover none the less

:laugh

[cog]

What the hell do you guys do squats for anyway?:)

[Ritch]

What the hell do you guys do squats for anyway?:)

I do the squats for the twats...

[marino]

Dont you know the golden rule dude? Socks come off first for wiping emergencies, and if both of them cant cut it (remember you can flip them inside out for 2x the wiping), then you sacrifice the boxers too. If you were wearing flip flops and no boxers then I feel your pain.

Green Jersey your advice is always as you say . . . Gold Jerry, Gold

Mass Machine green for you that story was hilarious, now next time soldier you will be prepared


Sorry Jersey gotta spread it around first

[#8]

^^ fair enough. i try to be helpful wherever possible. if i bail someone out of shitting themselves then so be it.

[Bowlcut]

I don't think this actually happened to him...unless he is the originator of the email I have seen before (along with the slap-chop one). ;)

Having known Mass Machine for years I would not put this past him.

Even if this isn't his exact story this has occurred to him in some capacity in his life time.

[#8]

^^ yes i agree. i do not "know" mass personally, but we go way back to MN about 5 years. many amusing threads.

[guest]

Massy, tell the story of how you used to take the seat off your BMX and ride the speed bumps.

[L3]

i no longer do the safeteynet 8x layers of TP...

heres a pro tip

Get a wad of TP, squirt some disinfectant soap on that shit, and scrub the seat down... wipe off with more TP to avoid slimy ass cheeks...

quick, easy, and you avoid the freakout if infact one of the layers slides off and you get skin to dirty toilet seat contact

the extra TP also serves as a splash guard, cause thats just ****ing nasty

[natenator]

apparently you folks don't know the meaning of "emergency shit".

Who has the time to action all the safety precautions when the enemy is about to unleash hell in your gitch?

[Gemini]

All in all, it hadn’t been a good day. Bad traffic, a malfunctioning computer, incompetent coworkers and a sore back all made me a seething cauldron of rage. But more importantly for this story, it had been over forty-eight hours since I’d last taken a dump. I’d tried to jumpstart the process, beginning my day with a bowl of bowel-cleansing fiber cereal, following it with six cups of coffee at work, and adding a bean-laden lunch at Taco Bell.

As I was returning home from work, my insides let me know with subtle rumbles and the emission of the occasional tiny fart that Big Things would be happening soon. Alas, I had to stop at the mall to go Christmas shopping. I completed this task, and as I was walking past the stores on my way back to the car, I noticed a large sale sign proclaiming, “Everything Must Go!” This was prophetic, for my colon informed me with a sudden violent cramp and a wet, squeaky fart that everything was indeed about to go. I hurried to the mall bathrooms. I surveyed the five stalls, which I have numbered 1 through 5 for your convenience:

1. Occupied.

2. Clean, but Bathroom Protocol forbids its use, as it’s next to the occupied one.

3. Poo on seat.

4. Poo and toilet paper in bowl, unidentifiable liquid splattered on seat.

5. No toilet paper, no stall door, unidentifiable sticky object near base of
toilet.

Clearly, it had to be Stall #2. I trudged back, entered, dropped trousers and
sat down. I’m normally a fairly Shameful Shitter. I wasn’t happy about being
next to the occupied stall, but Big Things were afoot.

I was just getting ready to bear down when all of a sudden the sweet sounds of Beethoven came from next door, followed by a fumbling, and then the sound of a voice answering the ringing phone. As usual for a cell phone conversation, the voice was exactly 8 dB louder than it needed to be. Out of Shameful habit, my sphincter slammed shut.

The inane conversation went on and on. Mr. Shitter was blathering to Mrs. Shitter about the shitty day he had. I sat there, cramping and miserable, waiting for him to finish. As the loud conversation dragged on, I became angrier and angrier, thinking that I, too, had a crappy day, but I was too polite to yak about in public.

My bowels let me know in no uncertain terms that if I didn’t get crapping soon, my day would be getting even crappier.

Finally my anger reached a point that overcame Shamefulness. I no longer cared. I gripped the toilet paper holder with one hand, braced my other hand against the side of the stall, and pushed with all my might. I was rewarded with a fart of colossal magnitude – a cross between the sound of someone ripping a very wet bed sheet in half and of plywood being torn off a wall. The sound gradually transitioned into a heavily modulated low-RPM tone, not unlike someone firing up a Harley. I managed to hit the resonance frequency of the stall, and it shook gently.

Once my ass cheeks stopped flapping in the breeze, three things became apparent:
(1) The next-door conversation had ceased
(2) my colon’s continued seizing indicated that there was more to come
(3) the bathroom was now beset by a horrible, eldritch stench. It was as if a gateway to Hell had been opened. The foul miasma quickly made its way under the stall and began choking my poop-mate. This initial “herald” fart had ended his conversation in mid-sentence.

“Oh my God,” I heard him utter, following it with suppressed sounds of choking, and then, “No, baby, that wasn’t me (cough, gag), you could hear that (gag)??”

Now there was no stopping me. I pushed for all I was worth. I could swear that in the resulting cacophony of rips, squirts, splashes, poots, and blasts, I was actually lifted slightly off the pot. The amount of stuff in me was incredible. It sprayed against the bowl with tremendous force. Later, in surveying the damage, I’d see that liquid poop had actually managed to ricochet out of the bowl and run down the side on to the floor. But for now, all I could do was hang on for the ride.

Next door I could hear him fumbling with the paper dispenser as he desperately tried to finish his task. Little snatches of conversation made themselves heard over my anal symphony: “Gotta go… horrible… throw up…in my mouth… not… make it… tell the kids… love them… oh God…” followed by more sounds of suppressed gagging and retching.

Alas, it is evidently difficult to hold one’s phone and wipe one’s bum at the same time. Just as my high-pressure abuse of the toilet was winding down, I heard a plop and splash from next door, followed by string of swear words and gags. My poop-mate had dropped his phone into the toilet.

There was a lull in my production, and the restroom became deathly quiet. I could envision him standing there, wondering what to do. A final anal announcement came trumpeting from my behind, small chunks plopping noisily into the water. That must have been the last straw. I heard a flush, a fumbling with the lock, and then the stall door was thrown open. I heard him running out of the bathroom, slamming the door behind him.

After a considerable amount of paperwork, I got up and surveyed the damage. I felt bad for the janitor who’d be forced to deal with this, but I knew that flushing was not an option. No toilet in the world could handle that unholy mess. Flushing would only lead to a floor flooded with filth.

As I left, I glanced into the next-door stall. Nothing remained in the bowl. Had he flushed his phone, or had he plucked it out and left the bathroom with nasty unwashed hands? The world will never know.

I exited the bathroom, momentarily proud and Shameless, looking around for a face glaring at me. But I saw no one. I suspect that somehow my supernatural elimination has managed to transfer my Shamefulness to my anonymous poop-mate. I think it’ll be a long time before he can bring himself to poop in public — and I doubt he’ll ever again answer his cell phone in the loo.

And this, my friends, is why you should never talk on your phone in the bathroom.

[Delt King]

Now THAT is a shitty story ^^^ LMAO

[massmachine]

Massy, tell the story of how you used to take the seat off your BMX and ride the speed bumps.

As if. I do however recall you trying to pawn your bike on me before...

:lick

[kloan]

^^hahah, wtf... that reminds me of the South Park episode 'The Entity' from Season 5:

http://images4.wikia.nocookie.net/southpark/images/1/15/ITSP.jpg

[guest]

As if. I do however recall you trying to pawn your bike on me before...

:lick

that is clearly BR's bike. now i know what he had up his ass.

[countrychic]

So the fact you didn`t check for toilet paper means you didn`t cover the seat. Sick! When I take a shit in public and that`s a very rare thing, I cover that seat real good with several layers of that paper thin substance they like to call toilet paper...



lol I thought only women do this! ;)

[evoke]

yea, you should always check for toilet paper first.

[Janitor Pants]

If socks and/or boxers don't cut it or are unavailable you can always resort to tearing the pockets out of your jeans and using those.

[Ritch]

^^^ Very creative! But wouldn`t be enough for the mammoth shits I take...