Anyone here suffer abuse as a child growing up?

[natenator]

Just curious as to how you all dealt with it.

Some says physical abuse is easier to deal with than mental abuse because scars heal whereas the scars from mental abuse last forever until you find a way to deal with them and even then they are always still with you to some extent.

I'll start. I suffered mental abuse from my Mom and looking back it was pretty bad. It's only in the past 5-7 years or so I've started to remember a lot of it and recognize that I have started to become somewhat like her only I know that I am doing it and I try so very hard to stop myself or if I do lash out at someone I am quick to apologize and let them know I really didn't mean to say what I said.

It affects every single relationship and friendship I have and have had in my life. I am quick to run away from things when they start to mount up or when the going gets tough (not true, it depends on the circumstance). From a relationship stand point:

I don't trust anyone
I don't share details of my life very well
I keep thoughts, feeling and emotions bottled up
I'm selfish
I don't rely on others for anything
I expect the worst of people and hope for the best (meaning I expect to get screwed over)
Impatient towards people who show neediness
I don't love easily in fact I am not sure I know what love actually is
And the list could go on and on and on.

In the past couple years I have struggled with attempting to fix myself and have sought the advice of professionals but the logic behind it doesn't add up in my head. How does one basically break down their entire foundation of who they are and try to become someone different then the monster they were brought up to be?

Anyway, just rambling. Curious about other peoples experiences.

[daande]

I never suffered any type of abuse as a child but my parents did get a divorce when I was 12 which hit pretty hard at first. Anyways, my first real gf I pretty much smothered because I did not want to lose her. Which obviously accomplished the exact opposite thing I was trying to do. I then realized most likely this type of behavior stemmed from my dad moving out and me sort of losing him. My last gf I worked hard on not doing the same thing but sort of fell into the same type of behavior after being with her for 4 years. The way I am now dealing with it is by thinking before I act. Me and m last gf have been seeing each other for the past 2 months and each time I get the feeling of smothering her or by getting jealous of her going out with her friends I just back the **** off and don't say anything to her about it which is the exact opposite of what I used to do.

I also have a problem with making smart ass comments. My mom always makes little comments to me that ****ing just get on my nerves, she has my entire life. This is one of the reasons my first gf left me for and my last gf also pisses her off. So whenever I am about to say some smart ass comment I just say it in my head and laugh inside instead of saying it to her. So far it is working and I have noticed I am getting less urges to say the comments. This is most likely because I am not getting a reaction out of her because I am not saying them.

Anyways, my advice to you is that you need to just put yourself out there even though it may be hard. With the next girl your with or maybe with a really close friend. Trust them, maybe share something very personal with them that you would never tell anyone. You need to break your behavior patterns. I am not going to lie at first it will take a large amount of effort. You might be scared and nervous but you gotta do it if you really want to change. Admitting all of these things you have and realizing you have these problems is a first step now try and do the exact opposite of each one of these. Goodluck, if you ever need someone to talk to hit me up in a PM.

[Talo]

I am the exact same way. Mental abuse my whole life and it's funny how you just think it's normal until you get away and see how the rest of the world is.

I have changed over the years , but it's a very hard thing to change. Basically I've been programed wrong.

However , Meditation has helped a lot, just 15 minutes a day.. Also forgiveness has helped , but I all reallity if I was still living close to home and the problem I would be a lot worst. I feel it everytime I do go home - just negavitve people / vibs.

I hope I can do better with my own kids.

[AlbertaBeef]

I too went thru it, mental, physical and emotional. I refused to use it as one of those whiny, poor pity-pot people who look for a reason to blame every little personal disfunction on and wear it like a badge of honour...no sir!! So I became a full blown alcoholic to deal with it. That only works temporarily but I found total healing through our lord and savior Jesus who made me a new creation and allowed me to put off my old self and be healed. That's all.

[GYMBRAT]

sorry to hear this guys!

I was abused in every aspect of the word, mentally, physically, verbally, sexually, past around from home to home family to family. Went through 2 family divorces...BUT I am a stronger more self disciplined individual (in some ways) now days I'd like to believe because of it! Never really opened up bout it until the last couple yrs to a small few trusting, close ppl I care about and trust with my life!

I tried the religious path etc but ended up only believing in what life its self has to offer day to day......may change that someday who knows :) still have a negative outlook on things the odd time but for the most part I'm a SUPER happy outgoing dude willing to try anything at least once (adrenaline junkie to the fullest) :D

[natenator]

for the most part I'm a SUPER happy outgoing dude willing to try anything at least once (adrenaline junkie to the fullest) :D


I am this way as well - on the outside. On the inside is a very different story.

One look at me someone would never really tell I have issues. Even my close friends don't really notice mainly because we're guys but inside a relationship with a woman and it becomes ovvious pretty quickly.

[Van Zan]

Just curious as to how you all dealt with it.

Some says physical abuse is easier to deal with than mental abuse because scars heal whereas the scars from mental abuse last forever until you find a way to deal with them and even then they are always still with you to some extent.

I'll start. I suffered mental abuse from my Mom and looking back it was pretty bad. It's only in the past 5-7 years or so I've started to remember a lot of it and recognize that I have started to become somewhat like her only I know that I am doing it and I try so very hard to stop myself or if I do lash out at someone I am quick to apologize and let them know I really didn't mean to say what I said.

It affects every single relationship and friendship I have and have had in my life. I am quick to run away from things when they start to mount up or when the going gets tough (not true, it depends on the circumstance). From a relationship stand point:

I don't trust anyone
I don't share details of my life very well
I keep thoughts, feeling and emotions bottled up
I'm selfish
I don't rely on others for anything
I expect the worst of people and hope for the best (meaning I expect to get screwed over)
Impatient towards people who show neediness
I don't love easily in fact I am not sure I know what love actually is
And the list could go on and on and on.

In the past couple years I have struggled with attempting to fix myself and have sought the advice of professionals but the logic behind it doesn't add up in my head. How does one basically break down their entire foundation of who they are and try to become someone different then the monster they were brought up to be?

Anyway, just rambling. Curious about other peoples experiences.

I have also sought advice from psychologists. They all have different approach. From what I understand its not about breaking down your entire foundation as you say it but rather understanding and accepting what made you what you are now. From that point it is more easy to build yourself "in a new direction" that wont be influenced by the source of your childhood problems.

[GYMBRAT]

I am this way as well - on the outside. On the inside is a very different story.

One look at me someone would never really tell I have issues. Even my close friends don't really notice mainly because we're guys but inside a relationship with a woman and it becomes ovvious pretty quickly.

yep your original post describes me to a T brutha! My wife is the strongest person I know period for putting up with my ups and downs for 19+ yrs now (since High School)....and trust me there have been a lot! Fighting every other night in bars, shopping malls, streets, sidewalks where ever lol I was outa control for yrs man.....grew up a ton over the yrs that's fore sure!!! :D

[ironwill]

Very big of you to open up like this nate.....Impressive....:)

I was physically abused and mentally abused growing up.....I came from a pretty far out uneducated home, very strict upbringing , spare the rod, spoil the child was normal, bruising from head to toe, and i didnt know better...Missed many school days because of it...
I just had to go home the past week here for a family funeral again, and things havent changed...CC is amazed i came from that, and feels terrible witnessing the lack of caring, but i am cool with it now after learning i wasnt the one doing wrong....BUT i was a guilt ridden kid and young adult for many, many yrs...Always trying to mend the broken wing on the bird so to speak, dating girls that needed help or to be fixed....That has ended....and the guilt has almost gone...:a+

I wont go into to many details because im not there yet, but i have learned a tonne about myself in the past 8 yrs or so...I was self destructive in every sense of the word for many, many yrs.....On a very bad path...I met a mentor that saw my possibilities, he helped steer my energy in a much more positive way and im doing well, especially compared to where i was expected to be....I am work in progress, and getting better and better....
Went back to school and educated myself....
I have many of the same feelings towards others as Nate has suggested above...I used to be really bad.....I am much better now...It really helped to meet the lady in my life now as well and getting structure in my life with her....Not just banging many randoms seeking that fulfillment i was missing............

[BBbox]

I actually know a lot of bodybuilders who endured child abuse.

I wonder if the "obsession" to get big often stems from a lack of control over the body as a child and also subconciously wanting to be bigger than the perpetrator?

Just a thought.

[natenator]

I actually know a lot of bodybuilders who endured child abuse.

I wonder if the "obsession" to get big often stems from a lack of control over the body as a child and also subconciously wanting to be bigger than the perpetrator?

Just a thought.
Quite possibly. I know a lot of bodybuilders who turn to the iron because of issues from their childhood.

I also struggle with food addiction. When I get in a mood I will sometimes turn to food as my outlet if I cannot hit the gym. Figure it's better than booze or drugs lol

[GYMBRAT]

used to be fighting for me, well still is if provoked to that point......

[natenator]

used to be fighting for me, well still is if provoked to that point......
same here but my career is more important to me so I usually think a few seconds before getting into it and will usually try to defuse the situtation when possible.

Came close to pounding a few ****wads at the bar Sat night. UFC + Booze + Skinny twirps = writing cheques their fist can't cash. Thankfully I kept my cool and his friends talked some sense into him. I distinctly overheard one of his friends saying "do you see the size of that guy? do you really want to take the chance that he can throw????" lol

[waderow]

1. Being cognizant of the issues
2. Talking about the issues with whom ever
3. Professional help

Sounds like you got it covered Nate, which is a sign of intelligence to be able to do this with out a court order or rehabilitation courses in prison. Most issues like this are part of a cycle that exists because people do not ever talk about it. It is kept behind closed doors, and is allowed to fester, and get passed from parent to child, and from parent to child, generation after generation. This is also true with domestic violence proliferation. Father to son, and so on.

So many people become lost and throw away their lives through addiction due to various forms of ****ed-up-childhood. Most hookers got diddled. Most drug addicts suffered in the home as a child. Most gambling addicts as well suffered some form of trauma. Not only violence or abuse, but trauma, such as witnessing death, etc.

People often portray men that talk about their feelings as weak, however it is the opposite. It takes a tremendous amount of strength to talk about your feelings openly. Especially with a loved one.

So to break the chain, its best if you recognize what you are feeling, and how it is affecting your demeanor. You need to put in an effort to always be cognizant of the behavior, and you need to talk about it. Talking about it released the pent up emotions which fester and come out in mysterious ways such as addiction and violence. Then professional help... Find a good psychologist. If you do not like the first one because their style doesn't suit you, then go to another.

Also, online forums help get things off your chest, which I am sure you are all already aware.



I received some training on crisis intervention, domestic violence intervention, and various other aspects of law enforcement, as I had molded myself to become a police officer before I realized the justice system and government was a scam. I have spent time with kids while their dad was hanging in the garage from the rafters. I have helped carry a bodybuilder up the stairs with the Medical Examiner and two other cops while his GF cried in the back room. I have been to court with people for support, and have facilitated court preparation for victims of violence. Dealt with hundreds of women in spousal violence situations. Sexual assaults. Aggravated assaults. You name it. In just about all cases with every ****ed up thing I have ever been involved in, it was stemming from some form of un-recognized problem associated with mental state and a person generally in denial that they need some form of help.

I have posted once or twice about some addictions that I had, that likely stemmed from my father getting killed when I was 15. I had to snap myself out of it before I hit the bottom, and thankfully I did. Getting involved in policing, and the training really made me self aware of how these things fester inside of us, and come out in mysterious ways.


I guess long story short is that getting help is often needed. Its hard to do, and hard to admit to. But a person needs to decide if they want to have a dysfunctional life, or some degree of stability.

[TryGear]

sorry to hear this guys!

I was abused in every aspect of the word, mentally, physically, verbally, sexually, past around from home to home family to family. Went through 2 family divorces...BUT I am a stronger more self disciplined individual (in some ways) now days I'd like to believe because of it! Never really opened up bout it until the last couple yrs to a small few trusting, close ppl I care about and trust with my life!

I tried the religious path etc but ended up only believing in what life its self has to offer day to day......may change that someday who knows :) still have a negative outlook on things the odd time but for the most part I'm a SUPER happy outgoing dude willing to try anything at least once (adrenaline junkie to the fullest) :D


ditto exactly, except only one divorce not passed from family to family.

[ironwill]

good post wade.....

[JifeLacket]

Ill say one thing that i'm sure applies to a lot of you guys.. sure i'm still young but i don't know where i would be without sports and lifting! Definitely keeps me on the right track...

[cog]

Sometimes it takes awhile to recognize people for what they are Nate.

Do you own a dog?If not you should.Very basic relationship.Might change your outlook bud.

[PdH]

I suffered mental and physical. I was messed up for quite some time doing to myself what others used to. Gotta perpetuate what you know to feel 'normal'. Got to the point where I thought I was going crazy as I couldn't get thoughts of the worst stuff out of my head. Went to a good psychotherapist and after awhile he suggested I attend one of his men's groups.

That scared the **** outta me, having to reveal my issues to an entire room. Going was the best choice I ever made for myself. There is something very powerful about talking things out with others who have been through similar situations. Mind you the professional guidance in the group was very important. Therapists talked about their issues to. I spent two years in that group, probably longer than I needed to but I don't regret it. I forged some strong friendships in that group and was able to move forward with my life.

[warlock]

I don't trust anyone
I don't share details of my life very well
I keep thoughts, feeling and emotions bottled up
I don't rely on others for anything
I expect the worst of people and hope for the best (meaning I expect to get screwed over)
Impatient towards people who show neediness
I don't love easily in fact I am not sure I know what love actually is



This pretty much describes the person that I used to be.

Life got better when I moved away with no friends or family and had to live on my own and ask questions and talk more to myself (I guess I am my own shrink).:beat

I accepted that the past can't be changed, that many times this is my interpretation of reality and not reality itself, I came to terms with who I am and made peace with myself.

I was lucky to find people that loved me outside of my family, let some of them be my friends and extended family etc.

After that I was able to find love and be generous in that department.

Your willingness to change and share tells me that it is a matter of time to get out of this state.

[Durk]

I had mental and physical abuse growing up. My real father has lived about 25 minutes away from me for almost my entire life, but I have only met him about 4 times in my entire life.

My step dad used to hit me constantly, and often raised his hand just to make me flinch. This started at about the age of 7. He would often hit me in the back of the head and ask me "what are you going to do about it?" I had to agree about him on everything and never question his authority or he would threaten to beat me wich I had no doubt he would do. I would get the belt until my ass was pure black for things like getting caught watching T.V. half an hour past my bedtime. I have always been told by him that I am stupid and worthless, and I havent even so much as had a conversation with him in my life. I believe that he was nothing but a nerd growing up so beating on a small child and telling me that I was worthless gave him some power in his life. I eventually threw him over a table at the age of 17 and he just stopped the bullying, but we still dont conversate much at all.

My mother was an adopted child and she grew up through 10x the abuse that I did, so whenever I would run to her with how my dad treated me, she would just say "You have it good compared to me." In all honesty I dont know who I hate more. Him for making me afraid of my own shadow throughout my entire childhood or her for not listening to me.

I dont think I really know how to love anyone. I am selfish and cruel. I get jelous over the smallest things. Like my G/f telling me that she is going to be busy hanging out with her sister all week. I emediately think **** her I am going to the bar and picking someone up becuase she is probably just cheating.

I believe that I have developed a sex addiction, and = sex to my self worth or love. If I go a couple of weeks without getting laid I think about nothing but suicide constantly. This month I have felt on top of the world because yes believe it or not everything that I posted recently in whore stories is true, but it is probably just a bandaid for my real issues.

I also seem very happy and outgoing in the real world, but I am not one bit.

[natenator]

I also seem very happy and outgoing in the real world, but I am not one bit.

Yup!

[megwell]

i'm a private person........ i like to laugh at everything....... but like many people i grew up in a normal upbringing....... normal for me.

my first memory of my mom........ she was dunking my and my brothers head in the toilet.
tooooo much to say
at the age of 4-5...... i wanted to kill myself becuase i knew life wasn't going to get any better.


beatings everyday.... coat hangers across the ears....belts.......but i hated the vaccuum cord the most.

like i said..i can go on and on about this..

what i learned growing up........i was stupid and i was never going to amount to anything in life but a welfare bum........ ask me if i tried to do good in sports or school...

time goes on........ i'm pretty negative........ i come across a book called learned optimism.
i read it......... that's when i realized how ****ed up my thinking WAS......and i stress on was.
i had to retrain my thinking and question every negative thought and i told myself for every negative thought i have........think about 3 postitive ones instead........... this was hard. i had to believe that my whole life i was living was a lie and decided to change

now as an adult..........i'm pretty well rounded, not mad........... i came to a point in my life and said.....yeah that all happened and theres nothing i can do to change it..... i chose to move on.........i have a healthy relationship with my mom now...... basically took charge of my life

[guest]

my situation was very similar to Durk's. i'm not feeling comfortable enough to talk about things but i want to thank all of you guys, especially Nate for this thread. reading it has seemed to somehow given me some relief, if only to know i'm not alone. thank you.

[tex]

wow. i hope you guys find the peace you deserve in life....

[ironwill]

my situation was very similar to Durk's. i'm not feeling comfortable enough to talk about things but i want to thank all of you guys, especially Nate for this thread. reading it has seemed to somehow given me some relief, if only to know i'm not alone. thank you.

you betcha, it does turn on a light for sure...we arent alone.....good stuff guys, takes guts to talk of this stuff for sure...

[cheesesteak]

Yeah, but I don't wanna talk about it. Just letting you know that it happened to me too.

[_Ragnar_]

My story is nothing compared you some of these. I was bullied relentlessly all through school. I was always very passive and avoided confrontation. I am not sure why that seems to paint a target on you chest. It didn't help that I was quite smart and the teachers never let anyone forget it. I never let the other kids know that they where hurting me. It killed me on the inside though. At 14 I thought about suicide.

Football and working out saved my life. I bulked from 150 lbs to 190 in a little over a year and a half. In front of about a hundred people in the hall at school a kid called me a fag. I snapped i grabbed him by the neck and slammed him into the wall. Just as I was about to smash the kid my buddy grabbed me. (If I had of hit him I would have been suspended and missed a playoff game for football) I told him if he ever talked to me again I would kick the shit out of him. To this day he looks at the ground when ever he sees me around town.

[_Ragnar_]

http://i418.photobucket.com/albums/pp265/lobsterfisherman/lovetat.jpg

I've been there bro! Grew up with mental and physical abuse all my life. It's the reason I started working out when I was 11.. I knew one day I'd have to fight my dad. So sad... After years of being told I was the reason for all their problems, they wished I'd never been born, was gonna commit suicide and it's all my fault... and the beatings; One day when I was 15 he came after me and I told him never again would he lay a hand on me and we fought... ...I had to beat up my father and for the very first time in my life, he gave me respect... when he looked at me trembling saying he was scared of me. And that's when I had to leave the house. Lived here and there and it just caused a fight between family 'cause my parents would tell them to leave me on the street. Eventually I got my own apartment and worked a deal with the school board so that I could fish and pay all my bills and finish my gr.12 as well. Graduated with honours and on the Dean's list. 90% average... not bad for someone who's "worthless".

In every generation of my family, it's been the same story. Drop outta school, have a shitty poor life and beat your kids. I decided to stop the trend, be the one who makes a difference, and be the bigger man. I feel sorry for my father, cause now that he's older he's pitiful. He always apologizes, says "what if" things had been different, we could've been close, had a relationship. I forgive him... I've told him that, but he also knows you can't forget. I choose not to let the past dictate the future though. What's done is done.. but make things right in the present. Make up for lost time instead of wishing you did on your death bed. (I know that's rugged)

See I chose at very early age, that I would have the mentality that I would be better. Instead of despising and hating my parents for everything they did, I would push through and learn from it. Every hit and every word, just bettering myself. Learning exactly what not to do. And I still use that perspective today. We're all just open books. You can learn from anything; anybody in any moment anytime. Just keep your eyes and your mind open and absorb what's occuring around you. Always a lesson to be learned.

It's all optimism my friends. Never stoop to any of their levels; Become enraged, overtaken with the thought of vegence and utter hatred. Be the bigger man. Keep a smile on you face, and persevere!


As for the picture I posted... yes that's me. The "paragraph" is actually verses outta the Bible. It's 1st Corinthians 13:4-7. It's the only place that I've ever known that defines love. I'm like you... I've struggled with love all my life... my parents would tell me they love me then beat me... I didn't believe in it, just thought it was an abused word... But this year I gave up the fight and I tattooed it over my heart.. I let love win (ya ya make fun of me). It's my reminder to believe in it, that it is out there and does exist. And one day I'll understand it. And spread it abundantly to my family.

...sorry bout the run on.... been a while since I talked about it... kinda get caught up...

Wish you all the best!

cch

Bro your post is touching, seriously, they way you have pushed though all that you have is truly inspiring. That tatt kicks ass. One thing everyone who was abused needs to remember is that we are not doomed to repeat the mistakes that our parents made with us. Love your girlfriend/wife/kids when you have them.

I truly believe that we are defined by the relationships we have, not by the toys or the money. On your death bed what is going to really matter? That you had a nice car and a nice house? I want people to say, "He was a good man and he loved his family." (shit now I am crying, that's right there is nothing wrong with that)

[natenator]

I should be shocked at these stories but I'm really not. It's no surprises you find a lot of people like us that are into sports or the iron. It's out escape - the only place we can be where there's nothing to think about other than what's going on in the game or the 400lbs your trying to lift and not die.

Ragnar: you are right dude - there is nothing wrong with crying. And you are also right in that there is no amount of money in the world which will buy you happiness. I am fairly successful and am finacially stable but **** it doesn't mean shit when I will pretty much destroy every relationship if given the chance.

I've often said I think a lot of my issues will get resolved when I have kids. Something other than myself will become the single most important focus in my life. A chance to prove to myself I am better than how I was brought up to be.

[natenator]

This was meant for Cheesesteak:

Seriously dude, talking is the best thing. You feel like mush by doing it but keeping it inside really doesn't do you any good. I tried that and it's pretty much destroyed me.

It takes a man to admit he has issues and that he wants to better himself. You're trying to better your physical self so why not your mental self too?

I am not expert about talking and sharing but I am getting better. Oddly enough I don't need a forum to be able to talk about this stuff. My ex and I routinely talk about this. She's amazing. I just wish I was able to give her the life she deserved.

[ironwill]

I should be shocked at these stories but I'm really not. It's no surprises you find a lot of people like us that are into sports or the iron. It's out escape - the only place we can be where there's nothing to think about other than what's going on in the game or the 400lbs your trying to lift and not die.

Ragnar: you are right dude - there is nothing wrong with crying. And you are also right in that there is no amount of money in the world which will buy you happiness. I am fairly successful and am finacially stable but **** it doesn't mean shit when I will pretty much destroy every relationship if given the chance.

I've often said I think a lot of my issues will get resolved when I have kids. Something other than myself will become the single most important focus in my life. A chance to prove to myself I am better than how I was brought up to be.

Be very careful with your last sentence bro...I have had many friends think kids would fix things....It didnt, it only brought those kids into their world...
They werent ready at the time to coach and mentor a child through life...
And kind of ruined their childs early life....Get help and be well before spreading the seed...
Just my 2 ccs

[natenator]

Be very careful with your last sentence bro...I have had many friends think kids would fix things....It didnt, it only brought those kids into their world...
They werent ready at the time to coach and mentor a child through life...
And kind of ruined their childs early life....Get help and be well before spreading the seed...
Just my 2 ccs
I hear you man. It is one of the reasons why I do not have kids yet (or any that I know of haha)

[St]

Sorry to hear the bad news,i grew up with a Mother hooked on Booze,very stressful.The thing that helped me most was going to the gym as a teen,then a few year bad had ask my doctor for some SSRI's,feel way better and super Calm now,no more fights,only if i get off my med.There is light at the end of the tunnel.

[JonnyO]

Even though I was never physically abused, I was put through some mental abuse. Without going into specifics I was raised in an environment that no child should be. I was raised with my father from age 9 and on, I learned to fend for myself from then on as far as taking care of myself and meals and getting ready for school and all that. I seen and dealt with things I shouldnt have at an early age that did influence the way I thought as a young man growing up. I was shot when I was 19 and should have died, but lost 2 years of my life going through surgeries and physical therapy. I delt with all my problems with violence then on as this was the way I thought things were taken care of and was what earned you respect. Sure I gained respect out of fear, but as a person I doubt it unless you really knew me on the inside. It took me a long time, some good therapy sessions and a good woman by my side to finally look at the world in a different way and turned my life around.

To this day alcohol will bring these emotions out of me, thats when I drink past a certain point something clicks and Im a totally different person. It doesnt happen often as I dont drink often, actually did this past weekend and I now vowed to never let that happen again and decided to quit drinking.

[PdH]

To this day alcohol will bring these emotions out of me, thats when I drink past a certain point something clicks and Im a totally different person. It doesnt happen often as I dont drink often, actually did this past weekend and I now vowed to never let that happen again and decided to quit drinking.

I hear yah there Bro. Go past a certain point with it and boom, right back to the self-destructive person you were so long ago.

[JonnyO]

Came close to pounding a few ****wads at the bar Sat night. UFC + Booze + Skinny twirps = writing cheques their fist can't cash. Thankfully I kept my cool and his friends talked some sense into him. I distinctly overheard one of his friends saying "do you see the size of that guy? do you really want to take the chance that he can throw????" lol


Happened to me on the weekend bro. I was LOADED so dont remember a damn thing, my buddy told me these punks were antagonizing me all night. I was 3 times the size of them he told me too. End of the night I guess I had enough and went up toe about 8-10 of them I guess and got suckered, went down then they stomped me. Im got out of it ok just a concussion and 3 stiches. One reason why I dont go out anymore, and this was just a lounge too. But being big is a target for a lot of people. Plus if they are that brave who knows if they were packing or not. **** if I were sober it would have been a different story altogether. Everytime Ive gotten injured in a fight was when I was wasted. See my post above, no more alcohol from now on for me. Take away the negatives in my life and this is the only one left. Why its taken me this long who f'ing knows...

[JonnyO]

I hear yah there Bro. Go past a certain point with it and boom, right back to the self-destructive person you were so long ago.


My therapist said the alcohol uninhibits the inhibited. Good statement.

[ironwill]

My therapist said the alcohol uninhibits the inhibited. Good statement.

Good stuff bro....I quit drinking for 10 yrs now.......I have had about 6-8 drinks literally in these yrs...I didnt have an alcohol problem...I had a me problem on alcohol...The last time i had to go to court for violence the judge looked at my past record and said, every single thing you have on here is alcohol related....If you get into trouble once more when drinking you are going for 3 months to a treatment facility (a bad one).....I quit that day and have been a better person since...
I was a happy drunk, until someone pissed me off, then i was a bull, and couldnt, wouldnt stop for anything, i knocked out a police officer on my last stint (haunted me for a very long time), then got my ass kicked and deservedly so..........It all was related back to my frustration, humiliation and anger from my youth, when i got angry and self destructive, i literally lost control.......I have no ill will to anyone typically......
:)
I wrote off 17 vehicles by the time i was 26 yrs old no exaggeration.....all for stupidity and self destruction, and not caring...and ....booze.....

[GYMBRAT]

alcohol is the route of all evil if in the wrong hands imo.....I can count on one hand how many times I've been outa hand sober!

.....also made me realize how precious life is and how easy it is to take it away by a very close friend who used to scrap as often as I, and eventually ended up killing someone (another great guy as well) with a single blow to the head!!! not a good thing man wow! also a close friend of C-Money as well

[C-money]

alcohol is the route of all evil if in the wrong hands imo.....I can count on one hand how many times I've been outa hand sober!

Thats the second reason i dont drink anymore, if i do i stop at 2-3 beers.. not only does it kill gains, but it is the route of all evil! Everytime i get in trouble or do something stupid im hammered

[GYMBRAT]

Thats the second reason i dont drink anymore, if i do i stop at 2-3 beers.. not only does it kill gains, but it is the route of all evil! Everytime i get in trouble or do something stupid im hammered

yup me too brutha, I make friends like a mofo when i'm sober, besides you know prsonally how I get when hammered right? (not cool)

[C-money]

yup me too brutha, I make friends like a mofo when i'm sober, besides you know prsonally how I get when hammered right? (not cool)
Why yes i do GB..... ha haha:yeah

[waderow]

I no longer drink either, besides maybe a glass of wine or a few beers. When I say drink...I guess I mean get drunk.

I will however let loose when I am at the cabin, and out there with a few buddies, there is no work, women, stress. Just trees n'shit, and its all good times. Bars can KMA

[GYMBRAT]

^ yes this is true so long as I'm no were near a bar or civilization lol

[buildinthaskinnys]

Just curious as to how you all dealt with it.

Some says physical abuse is easier to deal with than mental abuse because scars heal whereas the scars from mental abuse last forever until you find a way to deal with them and even then they are always still with you to some extent.

I'll start. I suffered mental abuse from my Mom and looking back it was pretty bad. It's only in the past 5-7 years or so I've started to remember a lot of it and recognize that I have started to become somewhat like her only I know that I am doing it and I try so very hard to stop myself or if I do lash out at someone I am quick to apologize and let them know I really didn't mean to say what I said.

It affects every single relationship and friendship I have and have had in my life. I am quick to run away from things when they start to mount up or when the going gets tough (not true, it depends on the circumstance). From a relationship stand point:

I don't trust anyone
I don't share details of my life very well
I keep thoughts, feeling and emotions bottled up
I'm selfish
I don't rely on others for anything
I expect the worst of people and hope for the best (meaning I expect to get screwed over)
Impatient towards people who show neediness
I don't love easily in fact I am not sure I know what love actually is
And the list could go on and on and on.
In the past couple years I have struggled with attempting to fix myself and have sought the advice of professionals but the logic behind it doesn't add up in my head. How does one basically break down their entire foundation of who they are and try to become someone different then the monster they were brought up to be?

Anyway, just rambling. Curious about other peoples experiences.

What you noted here basically explains my personality, and yes I did suffer from mental/verbal abuse from my father.

[marino]

I don't want to go into a long rant all I will say is this, I had about a great many family members that were all alcoholics. I know the damage that it can cause. I have put most of my demons behind me, but like others here I still have trouble forgetting my past.

[beserker]

WOW! Like many of you the original post IS me .... yikes

[GYMBRAT]

this is some ironic reality hey boys!

[JacktheThriller]

my step dad was abusive to me and my sisters and he was a bodybuilder, but my only role model, my mom left my dad cuz he was depressed and neglectfull, id rather be neglected by my depressed dad than abused by my step dad

[dremen]

Just curious as to how you all dealt with it.

Some says physical abuse is easier to deal with than mental abuse because scars heal whereas the scars from mental abuse last forever until you find a way to deal with them and even then they are always still with you to some extent.

I'll start. I suffered mental abuse from my Mom and looking back it was pretty bad. It's only in the past 5-7 years or so I've started to remember a lot of it and recognize that I have started to become somewhat like her only I know that I am doing it and I try so very hard to stop myself or if I do lash out at someone I am quick to apologize and let them know I really didn't mean to say what I said.

It affects every single relationship and friendship I have and have had in my life. I am quick to run away from things when they start to mount up or when the going gets tough (not true, it depends on the circumstance). From a relationship stand point:

I don't trust anyone
I don't share details of my life very well
I keep thoughts, feeling and emotions bottled up
I'm selfish
I don't rely on others for anything
I expect the worst of people and hope for the best (meaning I expect to get screwed over)
Impatient towards people who show neediness
I don't love easily in fact I am not sure I know what love actually is
And the list could go on and on and on.

In the past couple years I have struggled with attempting to fix myself and have sought the advice of professionals but the logic behind it doesn't add up in my head. How does one basically break down their entire foundation of who they are and try to become someone different then the monster they were brought up to be?

Anyway, just rambling. Curious about other peoples experiences.


Mental and physical abuse from parents then foster parents when growing up. If that was'nt bad enough my CFS worker tried to do shit with me when i was a kid.

Let's just say im not a very normal person. Never had a relationship with a woman last longer then 6 months, don't have any close friends and more then likely won't have any kids.

I had a LOT of anger problem up untill my late 20's, would beat the crap out of guys that tried to pick on me or people i knew. Would'nt even give em notice just cheap shots till they were down and then elbows to the eyes.

I can't stand mean people and i freak out when in a crowd. Think i have Social Angsiaty Disorder, but im getting better.

You don't even want to know what i do if i see someone hurting a kid:shock

[GYMBRAT]

It's sooo weird that ppl you'd least expect would be freaks like that as dremen mentioned about his CFS worker....I had a lot of respectable ppl try weird shit on me when I was young, from hockey coaches, bosses, to family friends/members! (****ed up man)

[dremen]

It's sooo weird that ppl you'd least expect would be freaks like that as dremen mentioned about his CFS worker....I had a lot of respectable ppl try weird shit on me when I was young, from hockey coaches, bosses, to family friends/members! (****ed up man)


Like i said man you don't wanna know what i do to people i see hurt kids.

There was this mother once at the grocery store who was tossing around her 2 year old by the arm...............i almost puked i was so ****ing upset.

Let's just say she got what was comming to her from a few girls i know.

Most people would call CFS, but i have more trust in a fat chick sitting in front of a birthday cake then them ****ers.

[Odysseus]

Just curious as to how you all dealt with it.

Some says physical abuse is easier to deal with than mental abuse because scars heal whereas the scars from mental abuse last forever until you find a way to deal with them and even then they are always still with you to some extent.

I'll start. I suffered mental abuse from my Mom and looking back it was pretty bad. It's only in the past 5-7 years or so I've started to remember a lot of it and recognize that I have started to become somewhat like her only I know that I am doing it and I try so very hard to stop myself or if I do lash out at someone I am quick to apologize and let them know I really didn't mean to say what I said.

It affects every single relationship and friendship I have and have had in my life. I am quick to run away from things when they start to mount up or when the going gets tough (not true, it depends on the circumstance). From a relationship stand point:

I don't trust anyone
I don't share details of my life very well
I keep thoughts, feeling and emotions bottled up
I'm selfish
I don't rely on others for anything
I expect the worst of people and hope for the best (meaning I expect to get screwed over)
Impatient towards people who show neediness
I don't love easily in fact I am not sure I know what love actually is
And the list could go on and on and on.

In the past couple years I have struggled with attempting to fix myself and have sought the advice of professionals but the logic behind it doesn't add up in my head. How does one basically break down their entire foundation of who they are and try to become someone different then the monster they were brought up to be?

Anyway, just rambling. Curious about other peoples experiences.

Sorry for digging this old thread up, but it was before my time here and I'd just like to add a few things. First, I've received a combination of physical and mental abuse from my mom at a very early age. As I got older and bigger, it became more mental and less physical. I would be woken up in the middle of the night and beaten. Sometimes I wouldn't be able to go to school the next day because my legs would be in too much pain and I wouldn't be able to walk. I would also get verbally demeaned if I made the slightest mistake in anything. This continued for many years. Still does to some extent.

I was malnourished and was always weak and small due to the lack of food I was given. My immune system was a wreck. At age 13, I even contracted a disease that usually only appears in OLD PEOPLE - Shingles. This was one of the most painful experiences of my life. The virus travels through a nerve ending and you get really painful blisters on one side of your body. You literally can't sleep for days, maybe weeks. And after it went away, there were still times where I would feel the pain from it...years later. Still stung from time to time. Instead of helping me or caring for me, my parents accused me of havng sex with some dirty girl and catching it. Yelled at me for days about it.

I learned that no matter what, I would always be beaten. Whether I was good or bad, I would be beaten. So I figured, hey, if the result is the same, why not just do what I want? I'll get beaten anyway, so I might as well enjoy myself, right? And I did. I became a bully. Although I was small, I beat the shit out of anyone and everyone in school. Big kids, small kids, whatever. I picked fights with anyone and everyone. I was more vicious and aggressive than anyone because I actually WANTED to die. There was no one who even came close to my level of aggression when it came to fights. The big kids were big, but they wanted to live. I didn't. And that gave me an edge, or so I thought. What it really did was make it hard for me to adapt into the normal world as I got older.

The descriptive list you've written describes what kind of person I was for most of my life. All of it took me very long to work through, and although I'm extremely proud of myself for getting through lots of it, parts of my personality are pretty much "set" at this age.

When I was a teenager, I always used to come up with excuses as to why my relationships failed. Too short? Not handsome enough? Dick too small? But the reality is that none of that shit mattered. In the end, it was my personality that drove people away. Put it this way - if an attractive girl approaches me and shows interest, then she doesn't give a shit about my height and can't possibly think I'm all that ugly, right? And if she keeps coming back for more sex, my dick can't be that inadequate, right? But she leaves after I flip out or keep acting a certain way - so it has to be me, not her. It has to be ME, and not my physical attributes. Took me a long time to come to terms with that and admit it to myself. (That's not to say that there aren't girls who care about these things, but the fact is that unless you're strictly talking about online dating, most women you meet in real life who are into you generally don't care...the ones that are worth it don't, anyway).

As far as the "advice from professionals" goes, what most people don't understand is that a therapist isn't there to solve your problems. That's a common misconception. A good therapist basically guides you and helps you solve your own problems. It sounds simple enough but you won't understand it until you've gone through it. You'd be surprised at how much personal growth you can achieve by just talking to someone one hour each week. But it also needs to be combined with: 1) a good social network - it could be just one or two VERY good, trustworthy friends, 2) a real determination to change yourself and not just doing it half-assed.


How does one basically break down their entire foundation of who they are and try to become someone different then the monster they were brought up to be?


There were so many times in my life where I just accepted that it was impossible to be anything other than what I was. But it's 100% possible.
I've posted in other threads about how much I think hgh was vital in dragging me out of the rut I was in for so long. I still thank god that my friend pushed me to "try it." I went from being the type of guy who was CONSTANTLY depressed and/or angry to smiling and enjoying life for the first time ever. It was such a great experience for me, and one great thing led to another. First was the desire to change. I tried to figure what the **** was making me tick all the time - thinking about killing everyone, hating everyone that I see, etc. I read up on philosophy and the more I learned, the better I felt. Then, finally, came the willingness to be able to critique myself. This was the HARDEST step. I was the type of guy who would be easily offended by the slightest thing. It stems from having a low self-esteem due to being beaten and called a stupid loser during my entire childhood. Once I worked through this, everything else fell into place.

Desire to change + gh + good friends ---> started weightlifting again after a 4 year hiatus ---> began learning more about nutrition and eating healthier ----> happier and more outgoing ----> became a positive influence for those around me ---> Life is good.