New Joke Thread........

[ironwill]

Im going to start adding some here and there......feel free to add a few for some shits and giggles......good for a laugh...

This guy wakes up out of a deep sleep and, feeling real horny, nudges his wife awake and asks, "Why don't we get it on, eh?" She replies, "I have an appointment at the gynecologist tomorrow and you know I don't like to make love the night before." So the husband agrees and rolled back over and started to go back to sleep.

A few minutes later, he nudges his wife again and asks, "You don't by any chance have a dentist's appointment tomorrow, do you?"

[ironwill]

Two five year old boys are standing at the toilet to pee. One says, "Your thing doesn't have any skin on it!".

"I've been circumcised.", the other replied.

"What's that mean?"

"It means they cut the skin off the end."

"How old were you when it was cut off?"

"My mom said I was two days old."

"Did it hurt?", the kid asked inquiringly.

"You bet it hurt, I didn't walk for a year!"

[ironwill]

A young husband and wife were sunning on a nude beach when a wasp buzzed into the woman's vagina. The husband covered her with a coat, pulled on his shorts, carried her to the car and made a dash to the hospital.

After examining her, the doctor explained that the wasp was too far in to be reached with forceps. He suggested the husband try to entice it out by putting honey on his penis, penetrating her and withdrawing as soon as he felt the wasp.

The man agreed to try, but because he was so nervous, he couldn't rise to the occasion. "if neither of you objects," the medic said, "I could give it a try."

Under the circumstances, both agreed. The doctor quickly undressed, slathered on some honey and mounted the woman. The husband watched with increasing alarm as the doctor's thrust continued for several long minutes. "Hey, What the hell is happening?"

"Change of plans," The physician panted. " I'm going to drown the little bastard!."

[ironwill]

The kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting and relate it to the class the next day. When the time came for the little kids to give their reports, the teacher was calling on them one at a time. She was reluctant to call upon little Johnnie, knowing that he sometimes could be a bit crude. But eventually his turn came. Little Johnnie walked up to the front of the class, and with a piece of chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard, then sat back down. Well the teacher couldn't figure out what Johnnie had in mind for his report, so she asked him just what that was. "It's a period," reported Johnnie. "Well I can see that," she said, "But what is so exciting about a period." "Damned if I know," said Johnnie, "But this morning my sister said she missed one. Then Daddy had a heart attack, Mommy fainted and the man next door shot himself.":)

[CanadianEagle]

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[CanadianEagle]

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[GerryT]

An 80 year old lady decided that it was time to get married again.
She placed a personals ad reading:

HUSBAND WANTED:
MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP? (80's),
MUST NOT BEAT ME,
MUST NOT RUNAROUND ON ME &
MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED!!!!!
ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON.

On the second day, she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay, she opened the door to see a grey-haired gentleman sitting in a wheelchair. He had no arms or legs.

The old woman said, 'You're not really asking me to consider you, are you? Just look at you...you have no legs! The old man smiled, 'Therefore, I cannot run around on you!'

She snorted. 'You don't have any arms either!' Again, the old man smiled, 'Therefore, I can never beat you!'

She raised an eyebrow and asked intently, 'Are you still good in
bed???' The old man leaned back, beamed a big smile and said,

'Rang the doorbell didn't I? ?'

[countrychic]

A man and his wife were spending the day at the zoo. She was wearing a loose fitting, pink dress, sleeveless with straps.. He was wearing his usual jeans and T-shirt. As they walked through the ape exhibit. They passed in front of a large, silverback gorilla. Noticing the wife, the gorilla went crazy. He jumped on the bars, and holding on with one hand and two feet he grunted and pounded his chest with his free hand. He was obviously excited at the pretty lady in the pink dress. The husband, noticing the excitement, thought this was funny. He suggested that his wife tease the poor fellow some more by puckering her lips and wiggling her bottom. She played along and the gorilla got even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead. Then the husband suggested that she let one of her straps fall to show a little more skin. She did... and the gorilla was about to tear the bars down. "Now..... show your thighs and sort of fan your dress at him," he said. This drove the gorilla absolutely crazy and he started doing flips. Then the husband grabbed his wife, ripped open the door to the cage, flung her in with the gorilla and slammed the cage door shut. "Now. Tell him you have a headache."

[GYMBRAT]

what's an Indian's favorite fur?....wellfur......get it wellfair/wellfur

[ironwill]

One year, a husband decided to buy his mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift.

The next year, he didn't buy her a gift.

When she asked him why, he replied,

"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"

And that's when the fight started.....

************************************************** **********************

My wife walked into the den & asked

"What's on the TV?"

I replied

"Dust".!

And that's when the fight started....

************************************************** **********************

A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.

She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband,

'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'

The husband replies,

'Your eyesight's darn near perfect.'

And that's when the fight started.....

************************************************** **********************

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.

She said,

'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 200 in about 3 seconds.

I bought her a scale.

And that's when the fight started.....

************************************************** **********************

I asked my wife,

'Where do you want to go for our anniversary?'

It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation.

'Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!' she said.

So I suggested,

'How about the kitchen?

And that's when the fight started....

************************************************** **********************

I took my wife to a restaurant, and the waiter, for some reason, took my order first.

'I'll have the strip steak, rare, please.'

He said,

'Aren't you worried about the mad cow?'

'Nah, she can order for herself.'

And that's when the fight started.....


:beer

[countrychic]

so I guess you know what NOT to say :moon

[KawiCara]

what's an Indian's favorite fur?....wellfur......get it wellfair/wellfur

HAHAH fak i love that

[GYMBRAT]

HAHAH fak i love that

lmao, ya know, you commin from home I figured you'd most def get that one haha too cool!

ps... your avi is AWESOME!!!!